The Red Ring of Death
by Andre Dmitri Garrett
Summary: The Smashers thought they were safe. They were wrong. When there are still so many pokes and jokes to be had, you think we're quitting? So alongside new cases of humor and romance, they also have to stop the asteroid virus formed from the 360's Red Ring.
1. Chapter 1: Once More, Here We Go

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I do not own Nintendo. Miyamoto and Iwata are not on speaking terms with me. I see little point to writing this for a fanfiction specific site.

The Red Ring of Death

Chapter 1: Once More, Here We Go

"Check."

"…Check."

"…Check."

Toon Link groaned in impatience as he watched the other two flit pieces across the board. "Come on!" he complained. "Can't you do this later? It's so boring."

Ness and Lucas, the smartest of the kids at the mansion, were engaged in a game of chess. For anyone else that might have seemed boring, but the two were at forty-six moves and had been trading checks for several turns now. Meanwhile, the other children—Toon Link, Popo, Nana, and Red—were bored out of their minds as they waited for them to continue.

"Don't rush us," Ness requested, using a 'mature' tone. "We're playing an extremely difficult game that's beyond the reach of children."

"Then why are you playing?" Nana asked.

"Because we're smarter and that makes us more mature," Ness explained, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. He moved his queen to counteract Lucas's knight. Off to the side, Squirtle and Ivysaur were playing tic-tac-toe as they waited.

Red snorted, folding his arms at the accusation. "I'm a ten year old minor who was sent recklessly off into a world full of murderous monsters so that I could compete against adults in battles through raising my own Pokémon," Red argued. "How am I not mature?"

"You practically participated in a chain of cock fights," Ness said, keeping his eyes on the board. "Besides, you only did it for bragging rights." At hearing this, Squirtle leapt up and shook a fist at Ness.

"Squirtle Squirtle!" he defended hotly. _We did not do it for bragging rights! We did it for money._ Red nodded in agreement with his Pokémon, remembering the massive fortune he had amassed. He had his own accountant at eleven years old; now that was what Marth would call living life.

Someone tapped Red on the shoulder, and he turned around. The eleven year old trainer's face lit up as he recognized who it was. "Dawn!" he greeted happily, hugging her. "I missed you!"

At the sight of Red and Dawn hugging, the other children burst into hysterics. "AH! Red's got cooties!" they screamed, and began running in random shapes. Lucas and Ness knocked over their chess game in their panic; Toon Link hid under an exasperated Bowser, who continued reading his paper.

Red ignored them; so much for them being the more mature ones. He had already gotten his cooties shot so that he could hug Dawn.

Elsewhere in the mansion, Kirby sat in the fridge eating ice cream, while Ike and Lyn watched idly to make sure he didn't eat the fridge as well. Zelda was also there, enjoying some alone time with a book. She had never gotten enough time with them, since she'd always had to make sure Link wasn't getting in trouble… and she meant both of them. But now with Samus picking up slack on the older incarnation, she had more time. It was refreshing.

"Hey Zelda," Lyn called. "Do you know when Pit gets back?" Pit had gone on a short vacation back to Skyworld, having missed the clouds—and Palutena, naturally. But in the short week he was gone, the smashers came to realize how desperately they needed him. Pit's innocence was more than a lovely rose in the middle of the desert, it acted as a censor. Nobody would incite Palutena's wrath and so things were kept toned down by his presence.

The last week had revealed more about people than anyone knew there was to reveal. Ganondorf and Peach had open hair sessions in the middle of the mansion, ROB wandered around with any plating for his wires, Marth used curse words _Zelda_ didn't know about, Olimar threw sophisticated parties in his home stage, Samus had a fetish for a bloodied Link, and Lucario… let's just say there were some things even Mewtwo chose not to think about.

"I think he gets back sometime today," Zelda answered Lyn. "Personally, as long as he gets back before Sonic goes on another drinking binge… I never want to see a hedgehog drunk again." Lyn nodded her agreement and looked at Ike for his agreement. Ike grunted, earning a gentle elbow from the green-haired swordswoman.

Ike glanced out the window, just in time to see the innocent little angel coming down from the heavens. "Oh, look; a guy with wings," Ike commented. He was dragged along by Lyn and Zelda to go greet him. They ran out to greet Pit in front of the mansion, who landed and waved hello.

"Pit! It's good to have you back!" Lyn greeted. Pit nodded and smiled, and immediately all three adults knew something was up.

"Pit? Is something wrong?" Zelda asked him.

The angel took a deep breath. "Nothing's wrong, just different," he answered. "While I was in Skyworld, Palutena decided I was finally old enough to have a talk. She sat me down and explained the birds and the bees."

…

"Okay," Ike grunted. Lyn elbowed him again. She and Zelda were quite taken aback by the news. Pit was no longer innocent. He _knew_. And from the look on his face, he'd known quite a long time.

"We're happy for you, I guess," Zelda muttered. She had personally been looking forward to an innocent child-like Pit. But there was no turning that back now.

"It's okay," Pit acknowledged. "I'm still having trouble with everything. I was sort of child-like before, and then after that talk everything made sense, and boom—I felt more mature. But I should be proud, because Palutena says I'm the first angel who's lived long enough to get the talk!" He beamed in pride, and there was a hint of the previous Pit in his smile. He wasn't quite an adult, Zelda decided. He was more of a proper teenager.

"How old are you?" Ike asked.

"About 15,000," Pit answered. Ike stared at him. Pit didn't quite get what was wrong with that.

Zelda sighed. "Well, I guess you'll be one of the adults now," she offered. "That means you'll be able to handle—"

"Hey guys! Pit's back!" Popo shouted, drawing the attention of the kids as they ran over to greet their now teenage friend. "Do you want to play fighter jet?"

And just like that, Pit and the kids were running around in circles, arms outstretched like wings with engine and machine gun noises coming from their mouths. Zelda sighed to herself and smiled. Maybe Pit didn't quite understand what being a teenager and not a child was about yet. "Pit, aren't you a little old for that…" Zelda began, but stopped when she saw Ike and Lyn being fighter jets as well. "I rest my case."

Elsewhere in the mansion, Link was sleeping peacefully in his bed. He was still fast asleep—with his hat on—when Pit arrived, and slept through the entire game of fighter jet. But just because he was sleeping didn't mean the green hero was without his well trained senses. As the others came back inside from their games out in the lawn, Link sensed someone and leapt to his feet, drawing the Master Sword in a flash of steel.

…

I said, leapt to his feet, drawing the Master Sword in a flash of steel.

…

Link, wake up!

The green hero rolled over and muttered, "Five more minutes." There was a brief silence following that comment.

Five more minutes? I've held this off long enough! Get on your feet, lazy kid! Or else I'll… I'll… well, you're a fictional character, and I could do a lot to you. That's probably why other people find it so fun. But I gave you enough time off. Now get up; you're one of the main characters of the plot.

Sighing to himself at the plot's insistence—wasn't he supposed to live happily ever after or something—the green clad hero opened his eyes and prepared himself for what would be another story. As if the last one hadn't been crazy enough; how could you top a crazed, warlord Pikachu… Link blinked. There was something that was not as Link remembered it last night.

Samus was sleeping in Link's bed.

Don't get Link wrong; he hadn't been expecting another girl to be there. He wasn't a cheating person. But Link hadn't expected to find anyone in his bed. When he had gone to bed last night, he was pretty certain he'd been the only person in his room. And then there was the fact that they had both agreed pursuing a more physical part of their relationship could wait beyond the first two weeks. After all, they weren't the most promiscuous people in the world.

And Link wasn't going to crack just because the other guys gave him a hard time, claiming he wasn't turned on by Samus. How could he not be turned on by Samus? He didn't act like Marth.

So the possibility that they had consequently given up their agreement last time concerned Link. He muttered a prayer just in case he awoke hidden wrath and peeked under the covers. Both of them were still dressed, and he had the faint suspicions they wouldn't have dressed again for bed.

Then Link remembered. Samus had come in last night, spooked by a nightmare. Normally he would be surprised Samus even had nightmares, but this particular one had been about the death of her family. So feeling compassionate towards his girlfriend, Link had let Samus slip into bed with him. He had never been hugged so tightly before. It was surprising he had forgotten something like that.

Link smiled and flipped Samus's ponytail. Samus had the same trained senses that Link did, and felt her hair flicking her face. "Ugh, five more minutes," Samus mumbled into her pillow. "I'll let you do my hair afterwards, fairy boy." Link narrowed his eyebrows and a grin slid across his face. He snuck his hands under the bed and snatched at Samus's sides. The bounty hunter's eyes snapped open and she let out the most un-Samus like sound he'd heard.

Samus squealed. That's right; Samus had ticklish spots beneath her ribs.

"Hahahahaha Link st-hahahahaha—stop! Stop pleashahahahahaha!" Samus laughed, trying to wriggle away from Link. It had taken Link days to learn about this weak spot of Samus. Before the first Smash he wouldn't have even guessed she was ticklish. The whole 'cold-hearted galactic bounty hunter who will kill you if you remark on her features' thing got in the way. It was a bit more relaxed now.

But because this is a humor story, the door swung open as Samus swung a leg over and landed on top of Link, planting a knee in his stomach to knock the wind out of him. Of course, to the knowledgeable observer it didn't look like the winded and breathless Samus had been protecting herself. So Toon Link spoke up. "Hi Link!" he greeted happily, oblivious to what the position suggested.

Link looked over at Toon Link in utter horror, half wanting to believe he was seeing things. Toon Link had retained his habit of walking recklessly into his older brother/self's room, but this time it might have gone too far. But Samus had also just knocked the wind out of him, so instead of shouting at Toon Link to run or face his brother's wrath, he sputtered.

"Hi Samus!" Toon Link shouted to her as well. "What are you guys doing? Did you have a sleepover? Is that game that big people play—?" Faster than the speed of fear Samus and Link grabbed Toon Link, placed him outside the door, and shut it tightly. "Oh, I interrupted adult time again, didn't I? Well have fun with your sleepover! Get her with the pillow! Wait, that's right! Link! Pit came back!" With his deed done, Toon Link wandered down the hall, thinking to himself. "Why do I always interrupt adult time?"

Because the forces of humor and cruelty double team romance, Toon Link. Because they double team romance.

Link groaned and let his head sink into the dressed; he was considering using the Master Sword to end his embarrassment. Samus face palmed herself in shame. "You know, as a part of yourself, you have the worst timing in the world," Samus grunted. She donned her Varia suit and reached for the helmet. Link fitted some of his quest items to his magic pouch and prepared to leave with her. They had to go do damage control.

Then Link froze, more fear on his face. "What?" Samus asked him. Link didn't freeze often. He was a man of courage.

"He said Pit was back," Link whispered. Samus felt the color drain from her face. If word reached Pit of a sleepover, then Palutena would come. She could already see the angry goddess reaching for a spear in her mind. There was a loud smash as the two broke down the door and ran after Toon Link to stop him.

Pit was there.

The two blondes came to a halt and stared at the angel boy, afraid to send him into tears. Samus, the more intuitive of the two, realized something was different about Pit. Had he grown taller? No, he seemed older instead. "Hey Pit," Samus said shakily. "Welcome back."

"Thank you Samus," Pit replied. "Don't worry; I know all about it."

"About what?" Link asked, afraid to hear the answer.

"The birds and the bees. Palutena gave me the talk this year while I was on vacation," Pit explained. Link and Samus sweat dropped as Pit walked by, heading to get his room back in shape. They stared after him for a long time, making sure that this wasn't some trick by Wolf or another.

Link glanced over at Samus. "So it happened? Pit _knows_ about everything?"

"…I guess," Samus mumbled, awed by the sudden change in the angel captain. "That's going to set the entire mansion in chaos. He was our filter. Remember what Wario did when he learned Pit was gone?"

Link closed his eyes and wiped the disgust away. "Please, I never want to think about what happens to bed sheet togas ever again," he muttered. The horror was still too much for him to think about. They started to walk down the hall to get some training in when an alarm sounded throughout the mansion. Everywhere, competitors and assist trophies took fighting poses as they checked for any threat that would warrant the alarm.

Then a foot raced at Link's head, followed by a familiar call. "Falcon Kill Kick! I'm black!"


	2. Chapter 2: Foxpilot, This is For You

Chapter 2: Foxpilot, This is For You Since I Remember a Review Where You Requested No More Long Chapter Titles But I Couldn't Resist and So I Wrote This Title Just For You Which is Kind of Ironic Since You Don't Like Long Chapter Titles Because They Hurt Your Head or Something to That Degree Well In That Case You Can Just Read the First Five Words Since That Will Be What's in the Chapter Select List And Come to Think of It The Scroll Select Thing Should be Called the Chapter Select

"Falcon Kill Kick! I'm black!" he screamed as he launched straight at Link's head.

You see, Captain Falcon had been thinking.

Amidst all of the therapy he had been undergoing, he had still convinced himself of three essential truths. First, that he was black. Second, that all chicks were his. Thirdly, the people were trying to torture him into surrender. But he was Captain Falcon; he didn't surrender. One day, as Fox had been lying through his teeth telling him of his need to stop Up+B moving people, he spotted Samus Aran and Link… guy.

Samus Aran was the ultimate prize in Captain Falcon's eyes. She was supposed to be a loner—a gorgeous loner, at that—who was comparable to the unattainable Artemis or Athena. But that didn't anything to Captain Falcon; all chicks were his as according to the Second Truth. So he had been about to go after Samus when he realized something had changed in his captivity. Samus was taken.

He couldn't believe it. Somebody had taken Samus from him, and it was the pointy-eared elf, Link. Captain Falcon thought it ridiculous. What did Link have to offer that could ensnare someone like Samus? Sure, he'd saved the world multiple times, had decent looks, but it all paled in place of Captain Falcon. That was when he realized the truth. Link hadn't won Samus; he'd stolen her.

Somehow, maybe with the help of Zelda—another chick who was Falcon's—he had placed her under a spell and captured the glorious bounty hunter. It was the only theory that made sense, and it infuriated Falcon. Hours later, as Mario was torturing him with what he 'claimed' was electroshock therapy, he came upon the Fourth Truth.

The Fourth Truth was simple; Link must die. That way, Samus would be freed from the spell and she'd recognize that she rightfully belonged to Captain Falcon.

With that in mind, Falcon began planning a way to escape his captivity so that he could free Samus. He went through the motions of his torture, thinly veiled as therapy, waiting for a chance to strike down Link. And now he'd had one. As DK had been holding down another 'patient,' Captain Falcon had escaped. He'd found Link flaunting his captured prize, and with a scream launched at Link.

"Falcon Kill Ki—"

Link ducked beneath the kick and grabbed Captain Falcon by the leg, killing the phoenix fire that had risen around him. Then without pausing Link slammed him into the wall, leaving an imprint on the wall and a passed out Captain Falcon on the floor.

Samus and Link stared at the twitching groaning figure. "What was that crap about?" Samus asked Link. Link shrugged. Last he'd checked Falcon had been in therapy with Pikachu and Kirby. Samus nudged him with her foot and then blasted him for good measure. "Well, let's go then," she said, and they left Falcon crumbling on the floor. Toon Link still had to be caught.

However, before they got much farther the intercom called the available top eight Smashers to the conference room. Sighing to themselves, Samus and Link headed to the conference room. Six of the eight top Smashers gathered and sat down in order. Mario was the first seat, followed subsequently by Link, Samus, Fox, DK, and Pit. Seats six and seven, Pikachu and Kirby, were in therapy and unable to attend.

Master Hand sat at the front of the table, glad he wouldn't have to deal with the sight of Kirby. Off to the side, Mewtwo was serving as the meeting scribe. Even further off, Crazy Hand had been locked in the corner; Master Hand had drawn a line with a blue crayon that Crazy was convinced he couldn't cross.

"So what's this about-a?" Mario asked, confused as to why he'd been called there. The top Smashers who were gathered there had high hopes that the real Master Hand would be more competent than his fill-in for the last three games.

"I have two topics to explain to you," Master Hand began. "First, a reporter is coming to the Smash Mansion."

Their reaction as immediate. "WHAT?" everybody screamed.

"Don't you know what happened _last_ time a reporter came to interview us?" Fox asked. "They were kidnapped by a horde of frustrated Pikmin and used! We still haven't found the body left from the ritual sacrifice."

DK snorted at the pilot. "Don't forget that nobody here is any good at handling reporters in any way shape or form. The best one we have is Captain Falcon, simply because he draws attention away from the rest of us," he grumbled, scratching his head.

Master Hand gestured for everyone to calm down. "Don't worry; I have a minor in journalism. I'll handle the reporter and smooth everything over, from Captain's Falcon de-manning and the attack of the ESRB," he promised. "I just wanted you to be informed, in the likely event something will happen to me in the plot. The other issue is much more complicated. It involves this."

He slammed a bag of white powder down on the table, and the six Smashers looked at it. "Uh, Master Hand, what's the suspicious bag of white powder on the table?" Samus asked as her scanner checked it thoroughly.

"That is PCP," Master Hand answered. "Somebody has been sneaking it into the mansion and leaving it in places where it could be mistaken for something else."

The Smashers had different reactions to the announcement somebody was sneaking drugs into their mansion. Some of the more headstrong ones—such as Samus, Fox, and DK—began to roll through a list of people they would need to injure or maim. Mario and Link were more prone to think about the people who could be affected if they accidentally devoured some of it, such as the children. Pit edged away from the table and considered asking Palutena how to disintegrate drugs.

"Where did you find that?" Fox asked.

"With you," Master Hand reminded.

"Oh yeah; I thought it was sugar."

Fox suddenly panicked as he realized his close shave, and Mario addressed Master Hand. "Who is bringing-a PCP into our-a mansion-a?" Mario asked.

"I'm not sure at the moment," Master Hand admitted. "That's the most that we've found and confiscated so far; it had been in the sugar shaker, as Fox is now panicking about. That was three days ago. We haven't the slightest evidence who is behind this disgusting drug trafficking into Nintendo land, but as you can imagine we can't let this slide."

"So you want us to deal with it?" Link asked.

Master Hand blinked. "No, I just wanted to inform you. I already have two operatives working on it."

"Master Hand is doing his job?" Samus asked, jaw dropping through her helmet. All of the top Smashers stared at Master Hand in shock. He was being responsible.

"Of course I am!" Master Hand shouted indignantly. "I'm not that lame replacement rip-off!"

"…Oh yeah. Sorry; I'm still used to the guy who was subbing for you doing squat," Samus apologized. Everyone was silent for a moment, and they stared at the table. With the actual Master Hand there and doing his job, they really didn't have anything else to talk about. Plus with Kirby and Pikachu in therapy the meeting had taken a quarter of the time it normally would have.

As Mewtwo dutifully penned the silence in the minutes, Pit finally spoke up. "Hey, Link, Samus, can I ask a question?" he called over to them.

The two looked at each other and shrugged. "Sure, go for it," Samus agreed. What was the worst that he could end up asking?

"Have you called the stork?"

Link spat out the milk he'd been drinking; Samus's power suit malfunctioned. Both of their faces turned as red as Mario's cap. The other Smashers and Master Hand looked equally shocked by Pit's blunt questioning. Sure, Mario teased Link about his and Samus's decision to forgo bedroom activities, but he didn't expect Pit to lay it out there like that.

Master Hand interceded to save the couple. "Pit, don't you think that's a pit intruding to ask?"

"Why? Is writing the stork a private matter?" Pit asked innocently.

"Come off it, Pit," Fox gestured; this was a little embarrassing to listen to. Purposely making fun of Link was fine; accidentally doing it was shameful. "We know you had the talk about the birds and the bees."

"What does the way bumblebees fly have to do with it?" Pit questioned.

…

"Wait, you-a waited 15,000 years to-a hear how-a bumblebees maintain-a flight-a?" Mario whispered, afraid of what that meant.

"Yeah, it's a closely guarded secret," Pit explained. "That's why none of you know why. Do bumblebees have something to do with the stork?"

"YOU MEAN IT WAS A LITERAL TALK ABOUT BIRDS AND BEES?" Master Hand screamed. Before Pit could do anything else further, he was bound, gagged, blindfolded, ears plugged, nostrils shut and stuffed under the arms of the other top five Smashers as Master Hand screamed into the intercom. "PIT IS STILL INNOCENT! REPEAT, PIT IS STILL INNOCENT!"

The top Smashers ran off with Pit in tow, and outside the meeting room everything was chaos. Ike and Lyn were wrapped in bed sheets looking for their clothes. Peach was putting the parental blocks on the TVs. Marth and Sonic were pouring the alcohol down the toilets. Snake was hiding his cigarettes. Red was hiding his more malicious Pokémon. Ness, Lucas, and Toon Link were removing dirty words off the garbage cans. Wario was showering.

Mario, Link, Samus, DK, and Fox ran through the chaos with a clueless Pit tucked under arm as they headed towards Pit's room. Once they reached it, Mario opened the door, they threw Pit onto his bed, and locked him in. Then they held stances against the door to make sure nothing reached him until the mansion had been purged.

Moments later, DK ran off to help Diddy remove evidence of their poop throwing and Samus had to help wipe bloodstains off of stadiums. That left Mario, Fox, and Link to guard the door. As they were guarding, Mario couldn't help himself. "So, Link, you tried to reach the stork-a?" Mario teased.

Link turned a little red. "Shut up. It's only been two weeks. We agreed not to go there yet."

"What's the matter, Link?" Fox joined in. "Afraid that your, ah, skills will decline?" Mario and Fox shared a laugh at Link's expense. "Seriously, man; holding off is already increasing the numbers of the 'Link is gay' club. Most people wouldn't wait with someone like Samus."

"Which is why they're not dating her," Link shot back. Fox conceded on that point. He was already with Krystal anyway. Mario wasn't about to let it go.

"Link's just afraid to admit-a that he-a might-a really be-a gay, like-a Marth," Mario added.

"Shut up, Mario. Just because you do it every five minutes with Peach," Link defended.

Mario glared at Link. "We do not-a!" he protested. A timer went off on Mario's watch. He looked at it with glee. "Six-a minutes are up! Yippee!" Peach came by and the two went running off towards their room, already getting started before the door was shut.

Link and Fox stared at Mario's door for a while, disbelief painted all over their faces. Fox nudged Link a little. "Were you joking when you said that?" Fox asked Link.

"Yeah," Link mumbled.

"…Is that even anatomically possible?"

X

After all of the discord and panic was over, the mansion was righted back to being suitable for Pit to survive in. He was released from his room and told not to worry about what had happened. Ten minutes later he was playing jet fighter, having completely forgotten the entire incident.

Marth went up to the observatory to stare at the sky, since all of his alcohol had gone down the drain; Ganondorf had gone with him. The two had formed an unlikely friendship over their shared interests, namely hair products and manicure sessions with Peach. Marth was glad that somebody didn't think he was gay, and Ganondorf agreed with that as long as Marth didn't make a move on him. It didn't hurt that Ganondorf could understand what Marth was saying when he got angry.

"You know, why are you using the telescope in the middle of the day?" Ganondorf asked him as Marth looked upwards. "Isn't that difficult?"

"I do it however I want," Marth grunted. "The sun can't stop me. Maybe melt my hair gel, but not much else. I can fix that, too." He turned the telescope to the right and ended up staring at the sun.

After a couple minutes of Marth screaming in pain and swearing to destroy the sun, he got back in and looked more towards the horizon. "I see some guy climbing a tower back that way," Marth noted, wondering how the observatory could look that low.

"Really, let me see," Ganondorf urged, and climbed in the seat. Sure enough, they could see Joshua of Fire Emblem from the last story climbing back up the outside of the tower to man his post. "He must get really good benefits to be doing something that crazy."

"Amen," Marth agreed. Then he paused. "Is there eye shadow in my eyes?"

"No."

"Then why'd it get a little darker?" he asked. They both thought about it and looked out at the sun. It was eclipsed. "Snap; I have to see that." Marth swung the telescope towards the solar eclipse.

"How's it look, Marth?" Ganondorf asked. He'd caused solar eclipses before, but he'd been too busy being wasted by Link afterward to get a nice look at them. "Marth? Marth, move over. I want to see this up close. Unless you're burning your eyes out."

"Ganondorf, go get me a phone book," Marth stated blankly, still staring into the telescope. "Get me the guys at NASA and the Master Hand would you?"

"Marth, stop pulling Armageddon references and let me have a turn!" Ganondorf shouted at him.

Marth whipped around towards Ganondorf with a murderous look in his eye. The Gerudo King was silenced in the face of Marth's howling. "B$%! Go get a mother f^%#$%& phone book! Get a f^%#$%& book! Now you d%&^ a$$hole!"

"Uh, why don't I just get Master Hand himself?" Ganondorf asked him, taken aback by the sudden and unwarranted change in his friend.

"Oh, yeah. Fine, do that. But hurry. We're about to be in some serious trouble," Marth muttered. "Worse than that time I broke my nail."


	3. Chapter 3: Corrupting the Hands

Chapter 3: Corrupting the Hands

At that moment, Master Hand was about to begin a series of exhibition matches to deal with the reporters. This way, they would be able to see the Smashers and yet wouldn't be able to interview them. Later Master Hand would come in and send them off with a nice little interview. Any who remained would be warned of the dangers of hanging around in a high security mansion.

For the three exhibition matches, he had put Link against Samus, Mario and Luigi against Fox and Falco, and then Kirby against Metaknight. Master Hand was secretly hoping Metaknight would tear apart Kirby. Since Link and Samus were up first, they were in the locker room preparing for their battle on Battlefield.

"Link," Samus called, and he looked over. She was donning her helmet. "Just because we're dating doesn't mean I'll go easy on you."

He grinned back. "What fun would that be?" he teased back. Samus's eyes had an amused light in them and then she put her helmet on, sealing off her expression. She gave him a brief salute, put a hand on his shoulder, and then headed out towards the stadium. Once he had fitted all of his equipment Link headed out as well.

The stands were packed with cheering fans as two of the best Smashers took the stage. Link waved a little as he always did, and Samus saluted the crowd. There were more cameramen than usual thanks to the sudden influx in reporters, and due to them all of the other Smashers had to attend the fight as well; they didn't want to appear divided. Master and Crazy Hand were in their special seats, Crazy Hand restrained by a cup holder placed in his lap.

Even Captain Falcon, Pikachu, and Kirby were there to watch, although two of them weren't very happy about it. Captain Falcon had created the 'Link Must Die' Club, which he was strong member in. In his eyes, if Link died, Samus would be with him. So this match he would be praying that Link would be murdered.

Pikachu also had issues with Link. When he first begged his general to save him from this wrongful torture—because of course, nothing was wrong with Pikachu either—she had smiled and assured him that everything would be fine. Standing with her at that moment had been Link. Pikachu had decided then that his general was too distracted. He needed to have her sex slave executed so that world rule could continue. So he joined the LMD Club as well.

Kirby had no clue what LMD stood for, much less what it was about. He'd just seen the others joining it and wanted in as well.

Two minutes into the fight, and things had been going well. Neither Link nor Samus had given much ground or quarter in a vicious battle. For the time they were sticking to ranged attacks, where Samus's cannon held an advantage over Link's multiple arrow types. Earlier his sword and shield combination had given an edge against her.

"It feels good to be back in the world, doing my job and not being digested by Kirby," Master Hand sighed.

"Truffles!" Crazy agreed, staring intently at the cup holder. If he could only move it without tipping it over… Master Hand looked around at the other Smashers and realized something was wrong. He got up and did a head count.

"What's wrong?" Mario asked.

"We're missing people. Where's Marth and Ganondorf?" he asked. Mario shrugged; he'd thought everybody was already there. On cue, Ganondorf and Marth came running in, panting heavily. Master Hand eyed them warily. "Where were you two, and why were you running so hard?"

Marth pointed up at the sky. They all looked up at the solar eclipse. "Yeah, we noticed that," Fox assured. "It's a regular occurrence once every four years—"

"That isn't the moon, fool!" Ganondorf roared at them.

The Smashers grew quiet. Down below in the stadium, Link and Samus sensed their unease and paused, looking up at the other Smashers and Hands. Master Hand snapped his fingers to enhance his vision. "Holy crap," he breathed. "It's an asteroid."

"It's not just any asteroid! It's a freaking virus!" Marth shouted. "And it's coming straight at us!"

Upon hearing the word virus, the stadium erupted into uproar. The match was quickly forgotten as audience members trampled each other trying to get away. Link and Samus left the arena to meet up with the other Smashers. Reporters ran to get the Smasher's opinion on the virus and if it was their fault.

"How did a virus get started?" Fox shouted over all the noise. Falco was prepping their Arwings to go take it down. "I thought Nintendo was protected!"

"Keep your ships grounded, kid!" Wolf snapped at Falco. "You get near a virus and it corrupts you into 1s and 0s." Falco shivered at the thought. Olimar used his Pikmin to produce a frightening prediction. The virus asteroid was heading straight towards the mansion.

Master Hand snapped and nearly shattered everyone's ear drums to get their attention. "Quiet!" he ordered. "I think I know where this virus came from. Not too many years ago, Microsoft began having trouble with that red ring of death that indicated a console was broken. Some theorized that it was popping up too often and might be an indication of a bigger problem. But no evidence was found and it was discarded."

"So," Mario began. "You-a mean to tell us that the-a asteroid virus is-a from Microsoft? Why is it-a here?"

"I don't know," Master Hand admitted. "Perhaps the virus is sentient and thinks we're the best place to begin mass infection. If one system falls to the virus, everything else will follow. We are the hope of all gaming."

"Of course; why is everything always on our shoulders?" DK asked.

"Because the author sucks," Bowser answered.

Link and Samus arrived and Pit filled them in on the virus and its origin. "How does that turn into a virus?" Samus asked. Pit shrugged. Samus narrowed her eyes. Surely there had to be a reason it would become a virus that wanted to wipe out Nintendo. Perhaps that was the key to purging it.

The mansion's alarms went haywire, and they cast their eyes up. "Into the mansion!" Master Hand ordered, and the Smashers didn't hesitate. Master Hand removed the cup holder from Crazy so they could follow. Above, smaller meteors were about to rain down and spread pieces of the virus.

"Why does this crap always happen so fast?" Ike grumbled, holding a Franklin badge for protection. "Come to think of it, why are we running to the mansion? Isn't the asteroid aimed there?"

"Know anywhere else we can go?" Lyn countered. Ike shrugged and kept running. He didn't want to be a bunch of 1s and 0s.

The first to reach the door was Sonic, who opened it for everyone. Samus glanced behind her to make sure everyone was all right. She panicked when she couldn't see Link's hat in the midst of Smashers and Assist Trophies. Then she sighed in relief when he stood back up, picking up his brother so they could move faster. She moved back out to help with the other kids.

"Wait!" Master Hand shouted, and everyone froze. He looked upward. "The asteroid's not about to strike this minute. Why are we running and hiding? We should be figuring out how to purge it."

No sooner had Master Hand finished speaking than a sickly red lightning bolt struck down from the sky, hitting Master Hand and electrocuting him. "Pay up," Sonic muttered to Snake, who grumbled and handed over a twenty. "Well we had him for what, two weeks? Give it up, guys."

The electrocution continued, and Crazy Hand decided it was fun and tackled Master Hand, resulting in both of them being zapped. When the lightning was gone, an eerily red glow remained around the two gloves. Slowly both of them rose up. They stared silently at the Smashers and Trophies.

"Fear my power," Master Hand whispered.

"Yeah, you aren't 1s and 0s," Fox agreed.

"No, you fool. The one you know as Master Hand is gone. I now serve my master," Master Hand rebuked.

It took the Smashers a moment to realize what was happening. "Aw crap," Mario complained. "The virus-a went and made-a Master Hand evil. Probably-a Crazy too." Crazy spoke next, and what next transpired blew the Smashers away.

"We serve the ultimate being, which will make all into one," Crazy added. Only, Crazy's normally insane tone was gone, replaced instead by a cool, higher voice. A _female_ voice.

…

…

"Hold it; Crazy Hand's a _girl_?" Samus blurted out. A couple of the others Smashers chuckled despite their collective shock. "What's so funny?"

DK shook his head. "It's just the irony of hearing you say that," he mused.

"That's right; I am female," Crazy Hand continued, cold and dispassionate. "My insanity and sense of truth has been restored by That Which Is One. And now I serve to make all under it."

"Wait, why would Master Hand call you a brother then?" Link asked, confused.

Master Hand shrugged in response. "I'd thought Crazy a lost cause by then," he answered honestly. Crazy Hand stared at Master Hand coldly.

"If it weren't for the fact we were both That Which Is One, I would slap you," she debated. Wow. Even the author has to get used to writing that.

"Oh shut up; you're not even my real sister. We don't even have family! We were poofed into existence. Besides, if we did it would be moot," Master Hand finished, turning back towards the Smashers. "We are That Which Is One. And now you will be too."

The Smashers shuddered at the thought of what was about to happen. "Wait; we are the Smash Brothers for a reason," Samus noted. "Each of us has taken both Master and Crazy at the same time. Why don't we just kick the crap out of them and then blow up the asteroid?"

Both hands looked at each other. "The bounty hunter has a point, other," Crazy Hand commented.

"Do not fear; they have not fought both of us together, only you and a clone," Master Hand assured. "Together, with the power of That Which Is One, we will destroy them and leave them to join us as That Which Is One."

Nine minutes later, the Smashers realized two key things. First, that bad guys in general sucked. Ganondorf and Bowser gained new hatred for themselves that day. Secondly, Master and Crazy Hand held back during brawls.

Each time it seemed that they had turned the tables on them, the hands would scatter them and continue blasting them away. The Smashers had everything on their side—numbers, strategy, looks, money, fame, Pit's innocence—except for one key component. It just so happened to be power, and neither hand showed signs of slowing down.

As the Smashers lost their energy and came close to being defeated, only five were left. A battered Link, Samus, Mario, Pikachu and Marth were left. Link and Marth leapt at the closest hand and were attacked by the other. But not before Link unveiled he had attached himself to Samus's grapple beam. Using himself as a counterweight Link tossed her at Master Hand. Crazy Hand caught her and started to squeeze the life out of her.

The Triforce on Link's hand lit up and he howled as he rushed Crazy Hand, Master Sword blazing with holy light. He slashed and Crazy dropped Samus into Link's arms. Then Master Hand charged at a distracted Link. Pikachu leapt in the way, using electricity combined with Mario's fire. It only slowed the absolute authority of the hand which batted all four aside. Only Marth was left standing.

"Come on, b%^#es; I'm not done yet," he shouted at the hands. "I'll take you both on, all without getting my lip gloss messed up!"

"Wow, that's gay," Master Hand couldn't help state. Marth's eyes narrowed, and he began cursing up and down the battlefield as he lunged at Master Hand. Crazy tried to blindside Marth, but was met by the furious assault of his sword. Master Hand moved in and was quickly knocked aside as well.

"What'd you mother F#&^%$! I swear I will cap you until you drop dead, cracker!" Marth howled. "Come on, b%^#, get up on your feet before I shove your teeth into your skull with my platform boots!"

Crazy glared at Master. "Why did you mention that? You know he becomes an all powerful warrior when you call him gay?" Crazy chided.

"I couldn't help it; he just _was_," Master defended. When he becomes part of That Which Is One, we will correct that fault."

"FAULT? COME HERE AND I'LL F#$%^#&*^%&*^&*% FAULT YOU!"

The Hands exchanged glances, and then they touched thumbs and pointed at Marth. Immense force equal to Wario's farts knocked Marth back into the rest of the Smashers and Trophies. Then they were swept further, slamming into the interior of the Smash Mansion. The doors shut themselves, and a red barrier wrapped itself around the building.

"There," Master Hand stated. "That barrier will prevent anyone from leaving the premises. You will be trapped there until That Which Is One comes down and unites you with all of us."

"And if you somehow manage to get out before then," Crazy added, "We'll kill you and let That Which Is One restore you later."

There was a large sigh from the fighters; now they were stuck inside the mansion again. How did this keep happening? Link got up and extended a hand to help Samus up. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"It's me, Link," Samus replied. "Of course I'm fine. But thanks, for asking." She accepted his hand and stood up, feeling the bruises. Despite what she told Link, she would be feeling that fight later. So much for their date tonight. "I mostly just need to get some rest, and we are inside the mansion—"

"Uh, guys?" Red called. "Why are there reporters in the mansion?" He pointed and everyone looked. Standing off to the side were several reporters, who had taken refuge in the mansion; their perspective was that if they were going to die, they might as least get some interviews before then. The Smashers stared back.

"On second thought, Link; let's head back outside and die."


	4. Chapter 4: They Want Interviews NOW?

Chapter 4: They Want Interviews NOW?

Link had been considering Samus's suggestion of going out and getting killed by the murderous Hands for the last ten minutes now. As he watched a reporter walk over towards them, he thought about anything he could be doing to avoid this.

After learning they had been trapped in the mansion with reporters, the Smashers first thoughts had been to screw them and get themselves ready to fight the Hands. ROB and Olimar had been gathering up Pikachu, Kirby, and Captain Falcon to return to therapy—the mere threat of ROB was enough to send Captain Falcon packing—and the Smashers were dividing themselves up into teams. Link and Ganondorf were readying their blades; Pit, Metaknight, and Zelda were preparing to strike; Bowser and Snake were looking over blueprints for a Metal Gear.

Then the reporters had interrupted. Their blackmail was obvious; if they didn't get their interviews, they would sue for kidnapping. The top six had a quick word. "I don't get it," Fox grumbled. "They saw the asteroid and the murderous infected Hands, but all they care about is slandering us on television? Why?"

"It makes them feel better about themselves," Pit explained. He was looking through an old demonology tome given to him by Palutena. Reporter was there under nightmare level.

"All-a right," Mario sighed. "We'll-a have the-a Smashers get interviewed in-a teams of two-a; that-a way they can't gang up on us-a. Meanwhile the-a rest of us-a will begin-a work on purging the virus."

So naturally, because they were two of the top six, Samus and Link had to be interviewed as well. Some of the other unlucky ones were Mario, Luigi, Fox, Wolf, DK, Ness, Pit, and Red. The rest continued their preparations to take on the Hands again. However, something was happening in another part of the mansion.

ROB and Olimar were still escorting the patients to the therapy wing, but at one point Captain Falcon misheard ROB and thought he would going to become an it right there. It had taken six hundred Pikmin to restrain him. But in that confusion something very dangerous had happened. Neither ROB nor Olimar noticed Kirby wander off towards the kitchen.

Kirby, being the easily excited and air-brained puffball that he was, felt a little hungry. Surely the Hands could wait until he had a snack, right? Now where was the kitchen? Usually Kirby could smell his way there, but nobody was there already. So he went bouncing around. Finally Kirby came to a set of double doors. Did the kitchen have doors? One way to find out. He opened the doors and looked.

He sighed in resignation; this wasn't the kitchen. It was just the meeting room for the top Smashers. Come to think of it, they hadn't had a meeting in a long time. Were they forgetting Kirby? Nah, they wouldn't do that. His work involving why Wolf had teeth was dearly important to the mansion's safety. He was about to close the door when he spotted something.

There was something on the table. Curious, Kirby hopped up and poked it. It was a bag of white powder of some sort. What was it doing here, and what was it? Kirby's eyes lit up. It had to be sugar! He opened wide.

X

"Hi, I'm reporter Helen Fry for Channel 666 News," the reporter introduced to the camera. Link and Samus sweat dropped; did she really just say that? "And we're standing here in the inner courtyard of the Smash Mansion with competitors Link and Samus Aran. Thank you for having us here."

_As if we had a choice_, Samus thought. It was a good thing she was in armor; that way she could make faces at the reporter all she wanted. "We're glad to have you with us," she replied.

"So Link, current records place you as the second seat in all of Nintendo. How do you feel about that?" Helen questioned.

"Well, I got it through hard work and perseverance. It was a considerable goal, but I approach it the same way I approach saving Hyrule; I get back up when I'm knocked down," Link answered. Samus raised an eyebrow. Where had Link learned to speak like that?

"So you think about saving lives as a competition then?" Helen added. Link opened his mouth to object and explain, but she continued. "Interesting. By being the second seat you're given added responsibilities for Nintendo. Do these ever weigh you down at times, considering that you have no education whatsoever?"

Link kept his surprise hidden. "It's true I don't have—"

"And isn't true that Mario never went to college as well? So that would mean Nintendo's two most important figures are actually uneducated brawlers?" Helen pressed.

Samus could see the panic starting to erupt on Link's face and stepped in to save him; this was why reporters were evil. It was like they enjoyed humiliating Smashers. "Mario actually did attend college; he simply attended after most people his age because he had been apprenticed as a plumber. Mario holds a doctorate in medicine today," Samus interrupted. "And Link has been unable to pursue his education because he was busy saving the world several times over."

Helen smiled, but Samus could see something sinister in her eyes. "Of course," she agreed, too sweetly. "So Samus, you're the third seat of Nintendo, just behind Link in rankings. What do you think it will take to jump that final obstacle and beat Link in a ranked match."

"Honestly, plenty of training and a bit of luck. When you're up against a divinely called warrior who has the power of goddesses imbued on his left hand, anything can happen," Samus answered. At least, that was why she thought she kept losing to him. Maybe it was the fact that in ranked matches, Link was free to call on the experience and power of _every one of his lives_. Samus only had one life.

"So until fate intervenes you're stuck at third seat," Helen concluded. "Samus, you're the only woman in the first top ten ranks of Nintendo's seats. Do you ever feel insecure amongst all the dominance of the men there?"

"What? No, of course—"

"You're comfortable with being dominated by men then? Or do you pretend to join them by wearing a suit of armor?" Helen continued.

Samus said nothing but stared her down. Behind Helen, the cameraman wondered if he would be hit if Samus attacked. Link stepped in for Samus again. "Samus is one of the strongest and most respected people in Nintendo. When she has an opinion on the matter, we stop to listen to her."

"I see," Helen noted. "Rumors have whispered that you and Samus have begun dating. People never expected either of you to break from your private shells. Samus, if your family wasn't rotting in a grave what would they think of you dating an uneducated backwater swordsman?"

"WHAT'D YOU—" Samus began, but she was stopped when Link intervened again by placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. She stood steaming. The cameraman stepped a little off to the side.

"Samus doesn't like to talk about her family much," Link explained. "It's a sensitive subject for her."

Helen pressed, however. "So do you decide what she talks about and what she doesn't, Link? How do you enforce this? Is the reason Samus wears armor is to hide bruises?" she questioned.

Link's face turned absolutely malicious, and the Triforce began to glow on his palm as he glared at Helen Fry. "Are you suggesting that I hit Samus?" Link asked, ready to blast the reporter to the dark world. Now it was Samus holding Link back because she wanted to be the one to kill the reporter.

"I'm surprised the police haven't investigated you yet," Helen noted. "Normally both of you would be in prison right now; Link for domestic abuse and Samus for statutory rape."

"WHAT?" both screamed at her.

"Is it possible you're bribing police forces to let this abusive relationship continue?" Helen pushed. That was the final straw. Both Samus and Link drew weaponry, ignoring the reporter's snide comments that murdering her on live television was wrong. The cameraman started praying; why did he always get the suicidal reporters?

But before Samus and Link could act, they were beaten to the chase by a murderous howl.

Kirby leapt over the other two shrieking like a madman. His mouth was foaming and one of his eyes was twitching. He looked up at the reporter and lunged, snarling. Kirby yanked and ripped the reporter in half, screaming his victory to the sky. Then he stuffed both pieces in his mouth before spitting them at the cameraman, knocking him out and destroying the camera.

Eyes still twitching, Kirby spotted his next target and leapt, howling. Samus and Link could only stare, half shocked and half horrified, as the pink puffball began to take advantage of a rock in the garden, screaming and waving a hand in the air. It was like a train wreck—it was horrid by they couldn't look away.

"Are we seeing this?" Samus asked, eyes wide. Link couldn't bring himself to make an audible noise as Kirby continued his public indecency. Further behind Link and Samus, Fox found them and walked over, curious as to what the noise had been.

"Hey guys what was… that sound…" Fox trailed off. "Is Kirby… humping a _rock_?"

"I don't want to be the one to answer that question," Link whispered. "And I am not going to be the one to tell him to leave the rock alone."

They stared a minute longer. "I think he might have gotten a hold of the PCP. Why don't we wait for whatever's happening to wear off," Fox suggested. Kirby didn't pay them any attention, but started screaming that he loved the rock and it was his rock.

X

As Kirby was busy with a rock in the courtyard, four Smashers were preparing to make a run for it. Their idea was that if they got away, they could go for help and possibly find the relics from before. Miyamoto and Iwata were made of code; surely they could help.

Each of the four Smashers had a reason for going. Metaknight was the leader of their group, and knew where to get help. Sonic was the faster Smasher and had a chance to outrun the Hands. Snake was a trained infiltrator. Finally Zelda had changed into her Sheik apparel, giving her an edge in stealth and speed while keeping her vast knowledge.

"Let's go," Metaknight called, and opened a hatch to an underground passageway. They climbed in and headed off. At first, each step was a frightening prospect. None of them knew exactly how well the Hands could sense them, or if the Hands knew about the passageway. It had been dug by Snake as a way to get cigarettes when they had been banned, but maybe it had been discovered before then.

After an hour, however, they were certain that they must have made it. "Admit guys," Sonic insisted. "There has to be some reason we aren't' being beaten into a pulp."

"Don't worry about it," Metaknight grunted.

"But maybe they're purposely letting us by, genius!"

"It's all right," Zelda, or Sheik, insisted. "They were distracted by the sight of Kirby humping a rock." None of the guys dared to comment on that or how she knew. Some things in the mansion just had to be taken for granted. "Personally, I'm worried about Toon Link; I usually look after him."

"Can't Link look after him since they're the same person?" Snake asked.

Sheik didn't answer but began laughing so hard that she fell over, holding her sides. "Oh, sorry; it's just that was so funny," she explained. "Any maturity Link has disappears when he's with himself. I've caught them wondering how to stick Marth's shampoo up the chimney."

"Yeah, I would be worried then," Snake agreed. "So who was that guy who saw you off?"

"Pardon?"

"Yeah," Sonic agreed. "Some blonde guy was there and gave you a quick kiss before we left. Who was that?"

"Nobody," Sheik assured politely, continuing on. Snake and Sonic shrugged. Odds were the plot would reveal it before the story was over.

Sonic looked around at the passageway they were in. "Why are there so many different branches, Snake? Was this really necessary?"

"I didn't want to risk my specific store being shut down, so I dug passageways to others. I also dug fake passages, dead ends, and highly agonizing booby traps," Snake explained, lighting a cigarette. "But I'm sure this is the way we want to take." They climbed up to the end of the passageway they'd taken. Metaknight flipped the hatch open and climbed up the ladder. He popped his head up and looked around.

It was a fiery cavern. A machine noticed them and walked over. He looked down the hole. "Why, Solid Snake! Good to see you again, here in Robot Hell!" the Robot Devil greeted.

Behind Sonic, Snake muttered, "Oops. Wrong universe."

* * *

A/N: I apologize for the shortness of this chapter, but after writing Kirby's PCP trip… yeah. Let's just say before everything and his flashbacks are over, Kirby might end up married.


	5. Chapter 5: Wait, How Old are You?

A/N: Came across the funniest thing to me ever, since it relates to the concept behind this story. It's a battle of the four worst people in gaming, and guess who one of them is!  
/users/EarthThatWas/show_blog_?topic_id=m-100-25867724&om_act=convert&om_clk=soapbox&tag=soapbox%3Bsubject%3B1

Chapter 5: Wait, How Old Are You?

Kirby occupied the entire mansion's attention span for the duration of his episode. The Smashers and Trophies were busy keeping the reporters from learning about it as well as finding a place to stick the reporters. Even the corrupted Hands—and the asteroid virus itself—had stopped what they were doing, watching in slight horror.

Eventually, Kirby had calmed down enough to be dealt with. He had been placed in solitary in the therapy room, neatly between rooms occupied by Captain Falcon and Pikachu; the Smashers assumed that even those two would call for help if Kirby had any flashbacks. As added precaution, the rock was left with Kirby. ROB had to be called to move it, as none of the gendered Smashers wanted anything to do with that rock. Some of them were calling for the courtyard to be burned and started again.

A solution had been found for the reporters as well. Mewtwo used his psychic powers to hypnotize them into thinking they were sardines in a can. They had been locked in the utility closet.

"Well, I'm-a glad that's-a over with," Mario sighed, slouching back into a chair. "Of course, we still have-a the virus and the-a Hands to-a worry about."

"Don't remind me," DK groaned. He had his hands over his eyes. "That reporter was worse than taking you on back in the day."

Several of the Smashers were resting in the common room, recovering their strength before they went after the Hands again. Mario and Peach were sitting together on the couch; DK was on the floor; Link, Toon Link, and Samus were sitting together; Fox and Falco were on another couch with Marth, Ganondorf, and Yoshi; and Lyn was sitting on Ike's lap in a chair. "I can't believe they went after you like that, Link," Samus grumbled. She was still in a bad mood. "It's not your fault."

"So Link doesn't have an education?" Ike asked. "Eh."

"There aren't any schools around where I was born; I grew up ranching and went on to saving the world. That was just this life," Link noted. "Besides, school is a commodity. I wasn't exactly the richest person."

Samus threw an arm around Link and hugged him tightly. "It's not your fault," she insisted. Link smiled and put an arm around her as well, causing Samus to uncharacteristically bury her head in his neck. Toon Link wondered if adult time was coming.

"And they forgot about-a my PhD. Ha!" Mario joked.

"Snap; I know I was at college," Marth said. People stared at him for a while. "What? I'm a prince, people. I went to Gaming University. You can ask my classmates; I was even president of the Nuclear Frat."

People had similar reactions, but one person put them to words. Fox jumped up from his feet. "What?" he shouted. "You—_you_—were president of the fraternity founded by the one and only Duke Nukem?"

"Yeah," Marth answered, flipping his hair. "I told you I wasn't gay."

"We believe you now," Falco assured.

"Not only was I partying every night, I held a job to keep myself going."

"What'd you do?"

"Hairdresser," Marth answered with a beaming smile. Falco sighed and face palmed himself. Marth took it that Falco thought he was lying. "You feather brained son of a b&%^*! It's true! Just ask Ike!"

Heads turned towards Ike, who shrugged. "Eh. We were in the frat together. He really was president. I should know; we were in the frat band together, too," he grunted. Lyn elbowed him, and he spoke some more. "Fine. Marth was the singer and I played bass. Sephiroth played drums. Sweet Tooth played guitar."

"Actually, I met Ike through one of the fraternity's parties," Lyn explained. She had a sheepish smile. "I had been studying for a major in military tactics when I went to a party, and well, I met Ike. Rather, we met because of Marth."

"Huh?" Marth asked.

"You had had too much," Ike explained. "And you were hanging from the chandelier. Upside down. Naked. Singing into a spoon."

"I don't remember that," Marth muttered, scratching his head.

"We both were trying to get him down," Lyn explained. "A week later we met at one of their concerts. Never thought I'd see him here."

"Girl you lying," Marth decided. "I hold my alcohol."

The other Smashers didn't say anything for a while; they were too busy thinking about Marth's frat days. How could a guy get so blind drunk he'd hang naked from a chandelier at a frat party, but turn around and work as a hairdresser at the same time? After an uncomfortable silence began to gather, Fox coughed and spoke to rid the images. "I just went to Corneria College for Aviation. What about you Samus?"

"I was raised by the Chozo, but I managed a small degree in Criminal Justice," she answered.

"Heh," Ganondorf chuckled. "You young people. I hold a PhD in arcane studies and a Bachelor's in government. And that's nothing compared to the master of education."

"Who's that?" Yoshi asked.

"Zelda," both Link and Ganondorf said at the same time. Link took over. "She went to the Royal Hyrule Academy and holds a Doctorate in Government, Religion, Arcane Studies, and History."

Nearly everybody gaped at what they said. Falco's beak dropped through his seat. "But she's only eighteen!" Falco shouted at them.

Mario snorted and drew everyone's attention. "You-a think that's-a impressive, you should-a see what-a Peach-a holds," he commented. Eyes shot to Peach, who only smiled and waved at everyone. Elsewhere in the mansion, ROB felt incredibly stupid all of a sudden.

Frowning, Ganondorf leaned into Link and asked where Zelda was, anyway. Link shrugged. Normally he would be concerned when the Princess of Hyrule went missing, but Ganondorf had been the one to notice. So he was sure that she was just fine.

X

"Admit it! You're lost!" Sonic shouted at the group leader. He ducked beneath a lightsaber and kicked a Sith in the face before running out of the way of a Force Push.

"I'm know where I'm going!" Metaknight argued back, using his sword to slice through several battle droids. He flew into the air and engaged a Jedi in aerial combat before the Jedi Pushed him into a Sith. Metaknight cut the Sith down and then teleported to take out the Jedi.

"Bull! We went from Robot Hell in Futurama to Bioware's KOTOR 3 production studios! I don't even want to go over what we passed through in-between! How are we ever going to get to Nintendo's headquarters through a convoluted path like this?" Sonic debated. He leapt over a soldier and implanted him with his spikes.

Off to the side from the two, Snake aimed his pistol at a charging Jedi. He fired once and dropped the Jedi without any effort. Sheik jumped down from the trees and used her needles to eliminate a smuggler. "You ever notice that lasers move slower than bullets in games?" Snake said as they took down two more opponents. "Each time I shoot one of these guys they're in the act blocking my bullet, but none of them are fast enough."

"Yes, I had noticed," Sheik agreed. "Although I feel we should leave here quickly. Metaknight is taking us through several bosses on the way out of here."

"Why don't you lead us there?" Snake asked. "You have the Triforce of Wisdom, after all."

"I honestly have no clue how our path even ended up here. Why not you? You're the premier infiltrator, Snake."

"Key word there little girl is infiltrator. I have to know where that is. Besides, I'm getting old. Best I can do is make sure you young people don't get into too much trouble," Snake explained as he gunned down another Jedi. Sonic and Metaknight were still arguing in the distance. "But just because I'm old doesn't mean I have entertainment. I figured out who the blonde guy was."

"That bored?" Sheik asked, putting on a false sense of casualness.

Snake nodded and lit a cigarette. "Yeah. It was—" Anything he had been about to explain was interrupted when Revan appeared to see what was holding up his franchise. Angered, he began killing everything in sight.

X

Back in the mansion, Link had left with Toon Link to help him get some lunch. Samus had a bad feeling about that for some reason, but she shrugged it off. She didn't feel well at the moment anyway. Sitting across from her, Falco jerked his head up as though somebody explained 2+2 to him. "Wait, Samus, that reporter said that you could go to prison for statutory rape," Falco realized.

"Yeah? So what?" Samus grumbled.

"But that would mean that Link is, uh, well," Falco sputtered, trying to come to terms with that.

"Okay, so I'm 21 and Link's 17. That's it," Samus answered. Lyn could intuitively sense Samus's reason for her bad mood and took herself out of the room with Ike.

Mario leaned back in his chair. "Huh. I-a didn't know that-a Link was still-a that-a young," he mused. Most of the Smashers didn't know that. They assumed his age combined all of his lifetimes together, but apparently not.

Sensing something was wrong with Samus as well, Fox shrugged and opened his mouth. He was about to say that it wasn't anything too much to be concerned about, especially since Samus and Link didn't do anything to make statutory rape. However, Falco beat him to the punch with a less sensitive message. "Ha!" he accused. "Jailbait!"

Immediately Samus was standing over the bird, beating him furiously with her arm cannon. "What's wrong with you?" Samus screamed angrily at him. "Do I look like I'm raping Link? Huh? Why do you have to be so like a reporter? I should take your intestines and string you up by them! My business with Link is my own! I'm allowed to like him and if we do decide to sleep together it's none of your business!"

As Falco was shrieking in pain, Link came in to see the problem. "Hey, what's with all the screaming?" he asked. "Samus, what's wrong?"

Upon hearing Link say her name, Samus's mood instantly changed. She was in Link's arms in a flash, arms around him and head buried into his neck. "Link, I missed you!" Samus purred, seemingly very happy. Link didn't have much of an idea of what was going on, but Samus was happy and it was probably a good idea to get her away from Falco before he said anything stupid again.

Too late. Falco coughed and spat. "What's wrong with you, Samus? Time of your month, much?" he blurted out.

Once again, Samus was standing over Falco, this time beating him with a golden hammer. "Yes I am PMSing, thank you very much! Why do you have to be so mean to me?" she shrieked. This time, Samus was also crying in fury. "I hate you! I'm going to _ and stuff you into a _ until you BURN!"

Watching Samus beat Falco into a pulp—much the same way Palutena had beat Kratos—and beyond, Fox only sighed. His friend had to learn when to shut his mouth. He walked over to Link, making sure not to upset Samus further. "Link?" Fox asked. "Much as Falco might deserve it, could you help him out a little?"

Link thought about it, and then nodded with a sigh. He took out a knife; this was going to hurt, but the kisses later would be worth it. Link made quick, light cuts over his chest. As the pain stung, he took some of the blood and wiped it on his face. He hadn't even finished when Samus was in his arms again, with a much more seductive look in her eye. He walked off holding her and they likely would be in one of the more obscure halls for a while.

DK stared after where they went. "What was that about?" he asked.

"Don't you remember back in the first chapter?" Ike said, walking back in with Lyn. "The author said Samus had a fetish for a bloody Link."

"I haven't seen Samus that violent in a while," Fox noted.

"Well, she's opening up more," Peach explained, sipping tea. One of her PhD's was in psychology. She didn't say anything else, as though that solved everything.

Falco snorted as he peeled himself off the ground. "Women. What a pain," he grumbled. He looked up to see Peach and Lyn standing over him. "Crap."

X

Marth left the sight of carnage an hour later and settled into one of the empty rooms to do his toenails. He wanted to look his best before going back out to face the Hands. As he was doing them, somebody came in to see him. Marth looked up to see Popo sitting down. "Hey, it's funny not seeing you with your sister. What do you need, little kid?" he asked.

"I'm not a kid," Popo protested. "I'm 13."

"Say what?"

"Nana and I are 13. Ness and Red are 11, Lucas is 10, and Toon Link's 9. I'm not a kid anymore," Popo defended.

Marth had to think about that one for a while. "Snap. Wait, hold my hairbrush; you 13 and you still scared of cooties?"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about," Popo explained. Marth, in all of his feminine and murderous habits, put down his toe polish and paid closer attention. It looked like Popo had something very important to say. "I think… I might be gay."

Marth had one thought. _That explains why his hood stays so clean during a fight. What fabric is that? Wait, oh snap. I have to deal with this._


	6. Chapter 6: Viruses Have Minions, Too

Chapter 6: Viruses Have Minions, Too

"Okay, then I guess maybe," Marth agreed. He was sitting in his room, with Popo in a case across from him. Marth had tried explaining to the kid why he wasn't gay, only for Popo to reply with what sounded like a very convincing story otherwise. Now he was trying to deal with why a 13 year old was coming to him. Snap; this was going to come out of his beauty sleep time. "So Popo, why did you come to see me? I mean, I _know_ that I be living large, but I'm curious."

"Well, everyone always says that you flirt with the line," Popo explained. "And I thought that since you do, you would be able to confirm whether or not I was."

Marth raised an eyebrow and reached for his desk. "Well, Popo, I know a way. Mind you, it's going to be dangerous, and your mind might explode, but it's the only trained way to determine which team you be playing for," he explained. Out of his desk, Marth pulled out two posters. One at a time he would show them to Popo. What? It's a perfectly legitimate system.

Carefully, the swordsman showed Popo the first one. Once the shock had worn off, he showed him the second one. Marth frowned; something was wrong with his fool-proof test. He did again, and the same result happened. Then his mind came up with the answer. He hoped it was the answer, anyway. Marth could barely resist the temptation to toss Popo out and keep the poster with himself.

"Boy, you are _not_ gay," Marth assured, flipping his hair. Popo looked a little relieved about that, and started to leave. Marth sat him back down. "I said you are not gay. Popo, you bisexual."

X

"Let's-a get to work," Mario ordered. The top Smashers got to follow him into the meeting room to discuss plans. Samus was behind him, an unusually pleasant smile on her face. DK and Pit followed, and then Fox. The last one to start making his way to the meeting room was Link. His face was smothered in kisses and his expression could have been mistaken for something else.

Filled with ecstasy, Link didn't pay much attention to the two people sneaking up on his flank. They waited for Link to get into focus, and then Captain Falcon launched out at Link. "Falcon Kill Punch!" he shouted.

Samus turned around to see Link off-handedly slashing Falcon with the Master Sword, a grin on his face. Then she spotted Pikachu running up towards Link. Normally, Pikachu would be in therapy, but Samus decided to cut him some slack. They could use his help and she was in a very good mood. "Pikachu," she called. The yellow mouse froze and looked at her. "Come on," Samus waved.

Pikachu roared in triumph as he and Link followed her into the meeting room. "Pi! Pika Pikachu!" he cheered. _Yes! My general remembers her loyalty! Take that, sex slave! Victory is mine at last!_ Uncertain as to what he meant, Samus wrote it off to his desire to take over the world.

When Pikachu, Link, and Samus walked inside, they found Kirby in his seat, sitting very calm. "What's Kirby doing here?" Link asked as he sat down.

Fox shrugged. "What's Pikachu doing here? Let's figure out how to stop a killer virus first; then we can worry about dictator and tripping puff."

"Pika Pi!" _That's Emperor Pikachu to you, drone!_

"Very well; let's-a get-a started," Mario insisted. "Mewtwo and Roy have-a detected forces-a coming towards the-a mansion-a. It appears to be-a Microsoft."

"Good, they can help us take down the hands so we can get onto destroying the virus," Samus noted. "Has anyone come up with a plan to destroy the asteroid?"

DK raised his hand and heads turned towards him. "Well, originally I'd thought we could put a drill a hole in it and drop a nuke down the shaft, but that wouldn't work."

"Why not?" Pit asked. "If it goes boom, then we win, right? That means no more virus?"

"Yeah, but do you know here to be Bruce Willis? I mean, it's obvious as the young ignorant one, Link would be Affleck and Samus would be Tyler, but we don't have anyone to be…her dad… oops… sorry, Samus," DK mumbled. Samus stared hard at DK, and behind her power suit he thought he was dead meat. Instead Samus got up and walked away, going out the door.

Link glared at DK hard, causing the great ape to flinch. "Just because it's a new chapter doesn't mean she's over PMS," he growled. "And you shouldn't say that crap, either." The Hero of Just About Everything left to go comfort her.

Pikachu watched him leave, realizing that Link was still a threat to Pikachu's connection with his general. He would have to rejoin his place in the Link Must Die Club. Meanwhile, that meant that two of the top eight were gone. "Well, in that-a case, I'll-a begin plans to—" Mario was cut off as a beeping sound was heard. "Woo hoo! Six-a minutes are up!"

They all stared as Mario dashed out of the meeting room to where Peach was waiting with a grin on her face. Both of them sped into Mario's room and locked the door. Missing now Mario, Link, and Samus, the remaining five looked around. "What are we supposed to do now?" Pit asked innocently.

"Uh, crap," Fox grumbled. "Fine; I'm fourth, so I'll keep this going. Pit, Kirby, figure out how to destroy the asteroid. DK, Pikachu and I will try to send a message to the Microsoft forces to give us a hand with the virus."

A knock came on the door. Mewtwo popped his head in and the baby Mew—whose parentage was Charizard and Yoshi, don't ask—flew around playing with the stubs on his head. "The Microsoft forces are outside the door," Mewtwo informed. "They're gathering weapons."

"Wait… crap," Fox muttered. "Let's see what this is about." The others ran after him and they gathered in the main hall of the mansion. The force field was still up, preventing them from walking out the door, and Crazy Hand was floating outside the open doors.

Beneath the hand, Microsoft forces readied. "Hello, chaotic ones," Crazy Hand greeted. "It is time for you to join That Which Is One. We will destroy you, absorb you, and you will join That Which Is One."

The Microsoft forces began to march into the mansion, and with cold sweat Fox knew why the Red Ring of Death was at their spot and not Microsoft. It had already corrupted Microsoft, as evidenced by the red cackles of electricity around the Microsoft characters. Fox called for red alert, and throughout the mansion Trophies and Smashers readied for combat. Samus and Link returned with their weapons ready.

But without reason, the Microsoft army stopped just outside of the mansion. Instead, a single figure entered. That figure was none other than Master Chief, the leader of Microsoft's forces and a soldier to be reckoned with. He loaded his rifle. "Who will fight That Which Is One first?" the soldier asked, also corrupted by the virus.

"We can't fight him," Link grumbled. "He's a FPS; the majority of us are adventurers. Fox, can you take him?"

"No; my perfect shot only goes to Arwings," Fox answered, shaking his head. "What are we supposed to do now? Mario's still… busy."

"Doing what?" Pit asked.

"Never mind, Pit."

The array of Smashers and Trophies hesitated. Finally, Link knew somebody had to take Master Chief. As the Second Seat, that person had to be him. Samus shook her head at him, knowing Link couldn't fight well at range. But he knew what had to be done, and began to step forward…

"Excuse me," a suave voice called. "Perhaps I could be of some assistance."

Everybody looked off to the side to see who was coming. Upon recognition, three things happened. The girls all screamed and passed out giddy. The guys all fell to their knees—including the kids—and began bowing to their idol. Finally, a theme song consisting of a sax, guitar, trombones, trumpets, and drums began.

Marth felt unworthy. "Snap!" he shouted, expressing his joy. He threw his hands over Pit's ears. "It's f#$%#% James Bond!"

James Bond, aka Pierce Brosnan, winked to the ladies of the mansion. They all squealed and collapsed again. The guys continued to bow to the master. He turned towards Master Chief and selected a pistol. "Who are you?" Master Chief asked. "That Which Is One does not recognize you."

The Smashers all blew up in Master Chief's face. "This is freaking James Bond!" Pit shouted, grabbing Master Chief by the collar. "He's behind the N64 Goldeneye game! Your god!"

"Analyzing," Master Chief stated, brushing Pit off him. The game's entry popped up in Master Chief's database. "Crap. But you are Pierce Brosnan, not the—"

Master Chief didn't get much further before Bond shot once with the Golden Gun and dropped him. "Beg your pardon, forgot to knock," Bond mused. "And my name is Bond, James Bond." Master Chief got up and scrambled away for cover, and Bond ran after him, switching to Slappers Only.

With that shot, the battle began. Microsoft characters charged into the mansion as the Smashers charged back towards them, intent on wiping them out. In the next few moments, chaos erupted across the mansion turned battlefield. Everywhere, small individual battles were tearing through halls and rooms as the Smashers fought for their lives against virus-infected Microsoft characters.

Bowser was throwing down with Urdnot Wrex. Gordon Freeman was pitting his crowbar against Ike's Ragnell. Revan and Ganondorf were locked in a battle of intense power. Pikachu was fighting against the Overlord and his minions—Pikachu was winning. Captain Falcon, after unsuccessfully using the Up+B move, was being hounded by a fuming Alma of F.E.A.R. Ness was taunting her as she ran by.

Link had drawn his blade against Altair, and Ezio was pitted against Marth—they were arguing over who had slept with more girls. Samus was feeling pissed off again; Marcus Fenix was regretting asking if she was girl. Sam Fisher and Lucas were in a game of wits and strength, shouting in despair each time the other took a chess piece.

The Pokémon were all working together to stop Prototype protagonist Alex Mercer. Kirby had originally been a part of this fight, but he had was experiencing flashbacks and was currently going at it with the closest thing that resembled a rock; Urdnot Grunt of Mass Effect's head. Grunt was tearing through the mansion trying to get Kirby off, in fear for his life.

Wolf ducked beneath fire from Marcus Fenix and Samus, looking for an opening. He heard screaming and ran to check it out. Alma was about to destroy Falcon's manhood. Remembering what had happened last time, Wolf intervened to save his life. He fired at Alma, distracting her before she could do the deed. Falcon still had a one track mind, and he went for his opening.

Falcon leapt up at Alma and successfully used the Up+B move on Alma. She screamed and ran for it. Now it was Falcon chasing Alma around the house. Wolf wondered if maybe he should have let her castrate him after all. Then he found himself in battle with Cole from Gears of War and had no more time to think about it.

X

"Hello? Anybody there? No? That's because we're FREAKING LOST!" Sonic screamed at Metaknight.

"I know where I'm going!" Metaknight shouted back, continuing to trudge forward.

"No you don't! We're in the middle of a bloody blizzard off the side of some bloody mountain! If we knew where we were, we wouldn't have gone this way! Admit you're lost and let somebody else take over you stupid ball!" Sonic argued. He wrapped his arms tighter for more warmth.

"Shut up! This is the way, porcupine."

"HEDGEHOG! IT'S HEDGEHOG!"

Behind them, Sheik and Snake sighed. He glanced over at her. "They do know you're making barrier to keep snow and cold out, right?" he asked. He was smoking a cigarette as they walked comfortably behind the arguing duo.

"I think so, but they're too busy arguing to really care much," Sheik replied. She checked the glowing Triforce on her palm. "There's a battle going on at the mansion right now. We need to hurry and find Miyamoto and Iwata already, or something to give us an edge."

"Do you know where we are?" Snake asked.

Zelda used the Triforce of Wisdom further and thought hard. "I can't be sure, but I think we're somewhere on Mount Everest."

"Mount Everest? As in we somehow managed to break into the real world?"

"Somehow; I don't even have that understood. This is becoming frustrating."

"Tell that to your boy," Snake muttered.

"I could call you a pervert, old man," Sheik taunted back.

"Ouch, that really hurt. I'm not that old in my Brawl incarnation," Snake grumbled. He finished his cigarette and tossed it down the mountain. Then he reached for another one. "Besides, I need something to do in-between fights. Right?"

"Right," called a voice behind them.

Snake spun around in confusion to see Isaac, an assist trophy from Golden Sun, walking with them. Then the super spy stopped and paused. "Okay, from what happens in the mansion, I can be fine with him appearing as if from nowhere. How come I didn't hear you, though?"

"I'm an earth adept; I can quiet my footsteps," Isaac explained. He joined them properly, putting an arm around Zelda. Snake gave himself ten bucks for being right.

Ahead, Sonic and Metaknight stopped arguing as something smashed into the snow in front of them. It let out a giant howl of murderous intent. All five of them stared as it began charging towards them. "Is that the Abominable Snow Monster?" Snake asked.

"Yeah," Sheik confirmed.

"…Why is it fourty feet tall?" Isaac asked.

"Because Metaknight sucks as a leader," Sonic mocked. The monster got closer and all five of them readied for combat. Snake grabbed a rocket launcher, Sheik pulled out a chain whip, Sonic charged into a ball, Metaknight drew his sword, and Isaac readied his Psynergy. He gave Sheik a quick kiss on the cheek before they all charged into battle.

Five minutes later, Sonic started. "When did Isaac get here?"

* * *

A/N: Oops, final transition was missing for some reason. Thank you, Foxpilot. Now it's not quite so KIA.


	7. Chapter 7: This Time We're For Real

Chapter 7: This Time We're For Real

Fighting within the mansion had slowed down to the pace of small brawls and ambushes in various parts. The Smashers had the advantage in that area—they knew the mansion's layout better and they had freaking James Bond on their side, who was still kicking the crap out of Master Chief. The Microsoft characters had all had their strength increased by the virus in order to even the playing field.

However some of the Smashers, infected Microsoft characters, and even random people who hadn't been there before had gotten sidetracked somehow. The first and foremost example of this was Marth. At one point during a duel with Alan Wake, Marth had retreated to his room to fix his hair. Ten minutes later, a raging frat party was erupting from his room as the girly prince drank himself into a stupor with random hot chicks.

He wasn't the only one. Ike had ended up at the frat party, playing bass in a band with Marth singing. Mario and Peach had disappeared into their room again. Gordon Freeman was throwing a party in an attempt to rival Marth's; it was a bunch of geeks playing D&D. DK had noticed himself in the mirror and was posing with Marcus Fenix. Popo was being taught the way of the frat president by Marth.

Bond, in-between beating Master Chief, was seducing Cortana. He was succeeding. It was more impressive when you counted the fact that he'd slept with all the women of Mass Effect just seconds ago.

In the rooming halls, Link was holding out in a room that had been the site of a bomb. An adjacent wall was missing and the door was gone as well. Worse, it was his room, but he was trying to ignore that fact. He would just have to sleep on the couch in Samus's room later. Where was she? They'd been split up when Link ran to assist his younger self.

"Hey Link?" a voice called. Link spun around to see Pit standing there, a questioning look on his face. Link glanced out at the hall. He could afford a quick break. The hero relaxed his watch. "Do you have any candles?" Pit asked him.

Link paused. Warily, he dug in his pocket and pulled out one he kept to replace his lantern with. "Here," Link offered. Pit accepted it with great pleasure. "Pit? Why exactly are you looking for candles?"

"Oh, well…" Pit trailed off, and he looked around suspiciously. "Can you keep a secret?" Link sighed to himself and nodded, smiling at the angel's behavior. Pit leaned into Link, cupping a hand around his ear. "It's for Palutena's birthday!" he whispered, excited.

"That's a good cause," Link agreed as he watched Pit hop up and down excitedly.

"I know! I thought I would do it anyway since I know there's no way she'll let us down at all! She's so… nice…" Pit dreamed. Link chuckled to himself.

"Well, erm, how old is she turning this year?"

Pit counted on his fingers under his breath. "Oh, thirteen million," Pit explained. Link's jaw went through the floor. Pit leaned in to tell another secret. "She's actually turning 13,087,412, but I wanted to be nice and round down to make her feel better!" Pit told him.

Link could only nod in agreement. He knew Pit was much older than him, but he'd never really considered age for immortal beings. Link coughed into his fist. "And how many candles do you have?" Link asked the innocent angel.

"Only twelve," Pit confessed. His wings slumped in conjunction with his mood. "What if I can't get enough by tomorrow? Would she be offended if I rounded down to twelve million?" Link chuckled a little at the situation.

"Well Pit, why don't you try that… what did Samus call it… why don't you try e-Bay?" Link offered. The angel lit up like a Christmas tree and raced down the hall, hoping to meet his quota. However, his sounds attracted the attention of Alma, who came walking towards Link. Link raised his sword and went to meet her head on; his break was over.

X

"…This is just awkward," Sonic decided. "It's not even worth insulting you this time. This is just plain awkward." Metaknight gave Sonic the finger, but it was hard to tell since his glove didn't have separate fingers. Snake had called quits to the madness and was hiding under his box. Isaac and Sheik were at a loss for words.

Andre Dmitri Garrett looked around his computer room. "Okay, I know I accidentally put you in the real world, but this is taking it a little too far," he announced. "You weren't supposed to actually show up here!"

"And yet you're still writing everything we say and do," Isaac noted.

"Shut up. I might as well get something out of this," Dmitri argued, typing as he argued.

Snake stood up, abandoning his box. "Hey author?" he called.

"I have a name, old man."

"Arrogant writer."

"Go die of cigarettes and box humping."

"WHY YOU—" Snake began, but he was cut off by Isaac.

"What do you want Snake?" Isaac asked.

Snake fumed, glaring at the author as he typed about his fuming. "Where is the bathroom?" he asked politely, barely hiding his contempt.

"Up the stairs," Dmitri answered.

Snake stormed away, not hesitating to hide his anger as he slammed the bathroom door. The other four stared at Dmitri, who was still typing away at the computer. "So uh, does Snake… really…" Sonic trailed off.

"All three of his poses are boxes," Dmitri argued. "It's very possible. If you want to be sure, just run his box over with a black light."

Sonic eyed the box warily. "On second thought, I don't think that I actually want to know," he admitted.

Shiek coughed politely. "Dmitri, since you are the author, could you just type us back into the mansion?" she asked. Dmitri stopped to think about it. That was a feat in and of itself, since somehow he was still typing.

"All right," Dmitri agreed. "I mean, considering what I use as a plot, it won't be too bad. Hang onto yourselves, then." He began to type the group back towards the mansion, and they disappeared, vanishing from the real world back into the gaming universe.

Right before they were gone, Dmitri heard one last line from Snake. "I clogged your toilet!"

"Crap."

X

Metaknight, Sonic, Sheik and Isaac found themselves standing in the center of what remained of the kitchen. At the moment, it was occupied by Fox and Ness, who were tag teaming the Portal Guy. Does he have a name? Fox did a double take when they appeared. "Where had you guys been?" he demanded. "We're in the middle of a war!"

As Sheik removed her disguise and became written as Zelda again, Fox filled them in on what had happened. Zelda jumped up and down excitedly. "Bond is here?" she giggled. Isaac stared at her, surprised. Zelda realized what she was doing and forced herself to relax, coughing politely to clear her throat. "I mean, it's good of him to lend us assistance."

Isaac rolled his eyes. Internally, he wanted Bond's autograph, too. "Well, did you guys find… wait, where's Snake?" Fox asked.

X

"Die, Solid Snake," Crazy Hand demanded in her cool female voice. She grabbed Snake and wedged him three feet into the ground. The super spy looked up to see Master Hand driving towards him like a hammer, except that Master Hand was moving roughly the speed of sound. Snake inwardly sighed; he knew he shouldn't have told the author about that clogged toilet. Now he'd been trapped outside with Master and Crazy Hand. Snake looked up again at the speeding Master Hand.

This was going to hurt.

X

Under Fox's leadership abilities as 4th seat, Zelda's genius, and all their combined strength, they fought their way past Fable's Jack of Blades and towards the burned down courtyard. There, Pit had stalled his hunt for candles to help Samus and ROB fight back against Revan and the Arizona Cardinals. They were able to drive them both out and exchange a chat in mid battle.

"Hey, look's who back!" Samus shouted. "About time you and your boyfriend got back, Zelda! We could use the magical boost against Revan here!" Zelda and Isaac complied and struck Revan with a rockslide, burying him under tons of gravel. That allowed Samus to finish up the Cardinals with a well time field goal.

The 3rd seat of Nintendo looked at her backup. "Well, as you can tell, the mansion's a crazy habitat right now. It's become a battlefield everywhere with close knife fighting. Right now, I'm in charge. Mario's six minutes were up," the group except for Pit rolled their eyes "and Link got lost somewhere ten minutes back in the basement levels stopping a surge of Spartans.

Zelda could hear the fear in Samus's voice hidden under tempered steel. Link was one of the best, but numbers could win a battle as easily as skill. "We got something that was supposed to help," Sonic began. He was glaring at Metaknight. "But it doesn't make sense."

"It doesn't," Metaknight agreed. He opened his hand to reveal a bumblebee. It took off and landed on one of the flowers nearby. Samus watched in disdain. Who had given them a bumblebee? The Abominable Snow Monster? As they began to direct themselves to needed battles, Pit became engrossed with the bumblebee.

It happened.

Pit's eyes burst with understanding, and he stood up straight, glancing towards the ceiling. "**I understand**," he whispered.

The others froze.

Last time, it had been a play on words. But this time… could it have truly happened?

"_That's_ where Mario goes every six minutes!" Pit declared, having realized… **the Truth**. Samus blinked and glanced at Zelda. Zelda checked the Triforce of Wisdom, and it didn't lie; Pit was no longer innocent. And this time, it wasn't just a joke.

No sooner had the words left his mouth then Palutena appeared.

Her spear staff held dangerously tight in her hands. "Pit?" she called. The angel whipped around, full of understanding and joy.

"Palutena!" he greeted happily. But his eyes deceived him. Palutena knew that Pit knew the reason behind everything. Her smile remained in place, but none of the Smashers were fooled. They knew what lay in wait for anybody that dared cross Palutena.

The goddess of light turned towards the other Smashers. "So, which one of you decided that my angel captain needed to lose his innocence?" she asked kindly. They remembered Kratos. They backed away.

"Palutena, wait!" Pit shouted. He jumped in-between the wrathful goddess and the Smashers. She stopped. "It wasn't their fault. I saw the bumblebee on the flower, and everything clicked into place." Palutena glanced over at the bumblebee; she sighed.

"I was afraid of that," she admitted. Then the cold polite fury returned. "Still, my captain has lost his innocence. Something _must_ be done." Pit, no longer innocent, realized now why his goddess had a spear staff and not just a staff. And in that moment, Palutena's vent showed itself.

Alma entered the room, intent on murdering them with her psychic powers. Instead, she was wiped aside in two seconds by Palutena. The goddess STOPPED SMILING. THEN SHE GLARED. Palutena rushed from the courtyard and into the battles.

Bond, who had been busy in a gunfight with Master Chief—Cortana had been properly seduced and was on his side—was suddenly blinded by a flash of light and furious war cry. When the light faded, he found Master Chief impaled into the wall. He shuddered. "It seems Palutena is here," he deduced. "EVERYONE RUN!"

Upon hearing that from Bond, and then seeing Palutena run by and hunt down Gordon Freeman, every Nintendo character bolted towards the courtyard. Marth, hanging naked upside from the chandelier, took off sprinting. Lyn and Ike were in bed sheets again. Link dug his way up from the story below. All of them wanted Pit nearby to protect them from the scariest woman in all of Nintendo.

Even the Hands ran away to hide, leaving Snake's battered body when they saw Palutena come running. Within the course of five minutes, every single infected Microsoft character was dead, killed in a variety of gruesome ways that would have made the most hard-core Mature gamer sicken and throw up his Doritos.

The Smashers and Assist Trophies watched in awe and fear as Palutena returned. She wiped a smidgen of blood off her dress and smiled warmly at them. "I believe I will be staying for a little while," she told them. "Just until I'm certain Pit will be okay."

Pit cheered to hear his goddess and crush would be at the mansion for the duration of the story. The others only nodded and looked at the remains of Alma's corpse.

X

Far above the gaming universe, in the technological mastery of Japan, Iwata and Miyamoto shuddered. "Did you feel that, friend?" Iwata asked Miyamoto.

Miyamoto nodded. "It was a disturbance in the gaming universe. Palutena is angry about something," he agreed. They exchanged a glance. "To the bomb shelter."


	8. Chapter 8: Okay, We'll Admit We Lost Tra

Chapter 8: Okay, We'll Admit We Lost Track of Where This Chapter Goes

After Palutena's visited wrath upon the infected minions of the asteroid virus, only one person had been left to finish off. This person was none other than Altair, the proud assassin who refused to let himself die from a mere loss of lungs and near castration. So, the minion of That Which Is One bided his time and waited for his life bar to return before he continued sneaking around the mansion.

Elsewhere in the mansion, Kirby, Pikachu, and Captain Falcon were planning the next step of the Link Must Die club. "Pika. Pika pi," Pikachu explained to Kirby. _You'll sneak up behind him and eat his feet so that he can't get away. That way, I can use electricity to paralyze him in place and Captain Falcon kick at his spine and snap it!_

"Oh," Kirby noted. "But won't that kill Link?"

The other two stared at Kirby funny. "That's the point!" Falcon shouted. "Falcon black! He needs to die! Why do you think we're the Link Must Die club?"

Kirby shrugged. "I didn't think about it much. I thought it was a secret code for something else," Kirby admitted. Then he showed panic. "You want to kill Link! He's one of the best Smashers! Why would you want to kill Link?"

"Pika pika!" Pikachu answered vehemently. _To get my general back on her feet! We need to take over the world already, and that sex slave of hers is getting in my way!_

Kirby frowned at Pikachu, and it wasn't because Pikachu still thought he was going to be world dictator. "But if Samus is your general, then why wouldn't you want her to be happy?" Kirby asked. "Samus is happy with Link. Would you really want to depress your general like that?"

"Pi." _You know, I honestly hadn't thought of it that way. When did you get so clever, Kirby? I might install you to lieutenant in my new world order_. But Pikachu's words were lost as Kirby suddenly became hungry; he was eating Urdnot Wrex's body.

The pink puffball finished his snack and—eying the other two hungrily—continued. "Besides, why work with Captain Falcon? I thought he wanted to make Samus _his _sex slave," Kirby said. Then he began eating Urdnot Grunt as well."

Pikachu whipped angrily towards Captain Falcon, who took a fighting stance. "Pikachu pi pi PI?" Pikachu howled. _You wanted to make MY general YOUR sex slave? You must be executed for your sacrilege! Death to you!_ The yellow mouse lunged towards Captain Falcon and their battle began in earnest. Kirby ignored them; he was having trouble getting his mouth around Master Chief's helmet.

Behind him, Altair was just around the corner, hidden blade ready. Someone was close enough for him to assassinate, he knew. All it would take was one quick stab and the deed would be done. It was his duty as That Which Is One. The assassin took a deep breath, and then made his move. Altair spun from the corner, hidden blade poised to strike. He found himself face to face with Kirby, who looked up in puzzlement as the blade came down towards him.

Then it stopped, trembling inches from his body. Altair had grabbed his own arm and was fighting himself. "We are That Which Is One," he stated, red electric static filling his voice. Then the static vanished from his next statement. "But this… is… Lord… Kirby… We demand the absorption of all life into That Which Is One… no… Lord Kirby… absorbs… all…"

Kirby stared at the assassin fighting his viral infection, a single thought running through his head. _What was his name again?_

"Must… spare… Lord… Kirby… That Which Is One **demands** his death!" Altair shouted at himself. The red electricity around him increased as both of his hands gripped his head. Altair struggled against the impulses. "…n-n-NO!" he roared, and ripped the virus away from himself, flinging his arms outward in an attempt to free himself from the virus. The red electricity was thrust away before cackling into nothing.

Altair fell to his knees, exhausted with the effort of fighting off the virus. He looked up to see Kirby appraising him. "Oh, that's right," Kirby realized. "You're name was Altair."

"My great Lord Kirby! Your countenance has saved me from the powers of the virus!" Altair praised, bowing down before Kirby. "I offer an eternity of servitude and my soul as meager thanks."

"Cool," Kirby answered. He looked back at Pikachu and Captain Falcon, still fighting madly. Which one did he hate more at the minute? Oh yeah. "Well, the first thing you can do is assassinate someone for me," Kirby explained. Altair leapt to his feet and saluted respectfully. But before Kirby could finish his orders, Kirby's eyes changed. Howling, he whipped out a rock and began humping it.

Altair watched, uncertain as to what his lord was doing. Was this part of some new ritual he didn't know about? Surely he was witnessing a state of enlightenment! "My Lord Kirby?" Altair asked.

"Marry us off!" Kirby screamed at him, still going at the rock. Altair wondered if it would be rude to take notes of the Style of Kirby. "I SAID MARRY US OFF!" Kirby screamed at his assassin disciple.

"Yes! Of course Lord Kirby!" Altair answered, tripping over a syllable. He had never married somebody off before, but what Lord Kirby wanted, Lord Kirby got. In Altair's mind, that was the luckiest rock in the world.

X

The rest of Nintendo's fighting force was locking the beaten Microsoft characters—the ones that hadn't been eaten by Kirby—into the closet with the reporters. It was getting dangerously squished in there, but they knew the Microsoft characters could survive. The reporters they really didn't care about, and Mewtwo had that situation under control.

Of course, when Kirby came up to them, being held aloft by a humble Altair, DK was more than confused as to how on earth Kirby had been able to free Altair. It was important enough to call a meeting to determine what could be done with this.

So once again, for the record number of times in one emergency, the top eight smashers were seated at their places in the meeting room. Altair was also there, since he refused to leave the side of Lord Kirby; Pikachu was beginning to suspect Kirby was building an army to rebel against him. Palutena was also there by invitation. None of the Smashers wanted to be the one to tell her that she couldn't be there.

Mewtwo took notes in the corner as Mario began the meeting. They had Altair give a testimony on how he'd been able to escape the clutches of the virus. When he had finished, he returned to Kirby's side. "So, we just-a need to stop the-a Hands, and then-a destroy the-a virus," Mario said. "And according to Altair-a, we can-a stop them by freeing them of the virus-a."

"But what could shake them up enough to make them want to fight the infection?" DK asked. "Master Hand just sort of exists mostly and Crazy Hand… is there anything we can tag onto Crazy Hand?"

"She's a woman," Pit pointed out, raising his hand in the air.

"But obviously that hasn't done anything to stop them, either," Samus grunted.

"Pika Pi!" Pikachu declared. _Let me summon my armies from the depths of the earth! My time will come!_

"Pikachu, those people are dead," Mewtwo explained to. A series of arguments began to expand across the meeting. After Kirby jumped onto the table it died down a little, but it started up again when he began explaining how gender was a lie created by those who had no gaming skills.

Frustrated, Mario found a hammer and banged it on the table to get everyone's attention. "Focus!" he shouted. "We have to-a stay devoted-a in order to-a stop this—" Mario's call was cut off as his timer went off. His face lit up and he ran off to his room.

That left Link in charge again. The Hero sighed and stood up to take Mario's seat, only to grimace and clutch his side. He had been injured in the battle against a squad of Spartans, and hadn't had time to treat it; the scab opened up and let blood all along his side. A feverish light appeared in Samus's eyes, and before Link could blink she had him against the wall in a heavy kiss.

From there it went all downhill. Pikachu leapt onto the table and declared Kirby's rebel alliance to be executed for treason. Altair charged to defend his lord. Kirby began another flashback and started at it with his spousal rock, all the while eating everything that wasn't tied down. Mewtwo was in the corner hiding from Kirby with frightened eyes.

Palutena sighed and turned to her captain for advice, only to discover Pit was locked in a game of fighter jet while secretly looking for candles for her birthday cake. The goddess glanced at DK and Fox. "Didn't take long for those guys to lose it," DK remarked. A banana fell from the ducts, and the ape was on the table, beating his chest and attacking anything that came near his banana. That left Fox and Palutena to exchange looks.

"You know," Fox sighed. "I can remember when every person in this room was sane and normal. This never happened during the first Smash."

"I suppose you're in charge then," Palutena commented. "Do you have any ideas on how to take down the Hands at least, Captain Fox?"

"Well, Team Starfox did work with this strategist this one time," Fox recalled. He scratched his chin as he thought, causing his leg to kick. "We were having trouble with this one large group and Marth suggested a strategist that he knew. The guy was brilliant. Under his advice we wrapped the entire situation up in roughly two days. The consultants had said it would take weeks."

Palutena rested her hands on the table. "I sense a 'but,' young fox," she replied.

"But," Fox confirmed, "He's not really much of a social person. The guy is one of those super geniuses who never got along with people well. Still, it's worth a shot."

"And how do you propose we contact him?" Palutena asked. Fox was enjoying this. He was holding a reasoned, normal conversation with somebody.

"That part's easy," Fox explained. "Turned out, he's an old friend of Lyn's."

X

Mark the Tactician stood on the front step of the mansion, knocking on the door. Ike, who'd been on duty, cracked it open to see Mark instead of one of the Hands. "Hey," Ike grunted, and opened the door. Mark walked in and was about to take his cloak off when he tackled.

"Mark!" Lyn greeted as she nearly broke the tactician in a hug. It had been several years since she'd seen her friend; he was like a brother. An introverted, awkward brother, but a brother.

Mark gasped for air, and Ike noted his face turning blue. "Lyn, you're killing him," he told her. Lyn let him go, and Ike rested his sword on his shoulder. "Come on, Mark; they're waiting for you." Together the two led their guest into the meeting room. Threats by Palutena and some compulsion by Mewtwo had helped to restore order. As for Mario… ROB was used as a threat. He was back faster than Sonic could have been.

"So you're-a Mark," Mario greeted. "We've-a heard a lot about you."

"You were in the middle of having sex," Mark reported. It wasn't a question. Mario shifted his hat uneasily. And without hesitating—or even the seeming ability to stop himself—Mark continued. "Link is bleeding; Samus has a fetish for that. DK is set off by bananas. Pikachu believes he owns the world. Kirby has flashbacks and eating disorders. Pit lost his innocence but still acts like a kid. Palutena is overly protective of Pit. Fox worries he'll lose his sanity some day."

They all stared at Mark. Ike spoke first, since he was the only one who really didn't care too much about social conventions. "You're a little creepy," he noted. Lyn elbowed her boyfriend for being rude.

Mark shrugged. "I'm not normal. I'm used to it," he agreed. "Did you require my assistance in creating a plan to dispose of the Hands outside?"

"Yeah," Link agreed. Then he frowned. "Wait, how did you get past them anyway?"

"They were busy beating somebody called Solid Snake," Mark explained. Link nodded; so that's why they hadn't seen him much lately. At Mario's request, Mark sat down and began to outline a plan that would weaken the Hands and allow for them to defeat them. It involved details and knowledge that none of the others knew about the Hands, and Mark wouldn't say where it got it. It was a little creepy.

As Mark finishing outlining key concepts of his plan, Samus reached for Link's hand. What Mark was planning was definitely dangerous, and if it went wrong… she hoped it didn't. Link smiled and took her hand, giving her a little squeeze. Samus felt a smile flicker under her helmet.

Mark's planning was stopped for a second when Falcon tried to kill Link again. Link just tossed him out to the Hands.


	9. Chapter 9: Battle Against the Virus

Chapter 9: Battle against the Virus—A Really Long Chapter

The Smashers were gathered just by the door, where the force field held them from going outside. Isaac had doubts about the force field's integrity. After all, they had bypassed it by going through an underground passage dug by Snake so he could go get cigarettes. The Venus Adept looked out the open door. Right now the Hands were alternating between beating Snake and Falcon. Come to think of it, hadn't Link tossed Falcon out the window too?

Isaac moved aside as Mark walked by, completely unafraid of anything. It was a little creepy to meet somebody who was emotionless. But Isaac had seen worse. His first night at the Smash Mansion… the assist trophy shuddered. Never had he looked at Crazy Hand the same way. The knowledge that Crazy Hand was now a girl only made it worse.

Mark walked right up to the door and walked through the force field without any difficulty. When he sensed the Smashers not following, he looked back. "It's fake," he told them. Then without an explanation Mark kept walking. The leader of them all, Mario shrugged and tried to walk through the force field. He was met with no resistance and passed through. It was like there wasn't even a force field there.

So, the small army passed out into the land surrounding the mansion. They stopped as the Hands began to notice them, leaving a beaten Snake and Falcon stuck in the ground. Mark immediately snapped into action, diving the Smashers into two fronts. Then he further divided the second front into pairs. The second front consisted of Mario and Peach, Link and Samus, Zelda and Isaac, and Marth and Popo.

On the first front, Ike nudged Lyn. "Did you tell him that six of those guys are in a relationship?" he asked.

Lyn shook her head. "No. It's… sort of a flash of Mark's humanity. He puts people together who work well and get along well. Now that I think about it, practically everybody he paired became the best of friends or a couple."

"That's creepy," Ike muttered. "What about Marth and Popo?" Lyn had no answer for that one.

However, Marth and Popo's relationship wasn't difficult for them. It was that of master and apprentice. Sure, Marth was straight while Popo was bisexual, but the young Ice Climber was learning much about the frat ways from the former frat president. Plus, Marth had shown him how relaxing getting a pedicure was.

Nana was just glad her brother finally had someone to hang out with and be himself.

The Hands approached the second front and paused just in front of them. "So, you have agreed to become That Which Is One?" Master Hand asked.

"No," Mario answered. The Hands exchanged glances.

"Then why are you here?" Crazy Hand asked. "If it is death you seek, That Which Is One will deliver it. And then you will become That Which Is One regardless."

"Stuff it up your-a glove!" Mario shot back. Everyone prepped for battle.

Then DK and Luigi, who were placed at the head of the first front, paused. "Wait," DK rumbled. "Why are we facing _away_ from the Hands?"

Mark pointed ahead of them. "For that," he answered. Just ahead of the first front, a portal was opening. Out of it began to pour the characters of Sony. Red electricity swirled around them, evidence that they were corrupted as well. The first front readied themselves.

Both Master Hand and Crazy Hand began to sputter. They gaped at Mark. "How did you do that?" they demanded. "Those had joined That Which Is One five minutes ago! There was no way you could have known!"

Mark shrugged. "I estimated the probabilities," he explained. Then he joined the first front. Ahead of the infected Sony army, Cloud and Sephiroth led the way. Those in the first front hesitated. Those two were the absolute best in Sony, equal to the top eight of the Smashers. How would they take them on? The top three were fighting against the hands. Fox was waiting somewhere where Mark had placed him. DK, Pikachu, Pit, and Kirby were there, but only DK was the most able—Pit was distracted by his candle counting.

Once again, Mark had the solution. He walked up to them and held up a hand for them to wait. Surprisingly, Cloud and Sephiroth did so. Lyn frowned. What was Mark thinking? He had never been able to fight. "You two are part of That Which Is One," Mark started. It wasn't a question.

"That's correct," Cloud and Sephiroth answered.

"So does that mean you get along now?" Mark asked.

Cloud and Sephiroth opened their mouths to say yes, they did get along and had the whole thing behind them. However, what came out was not what the virus had intended them to say. Both swordsman thrust pointed fingers at each other, hatred evident in their eyes.

"I HATE HIM!" they roared at each other. In a flash both had shaken off the virus and were busy trying to kill each other.

"You %#^%&*#)*&%^#)&**%! You stole Aeris from me! And that was _after_ you killed her in game!" Cloud raged.

"Screw you! She just wanted a real man, not some doping blonde idiot!" Sephiroth shot back. "Besides, mine's bigger!"

The first front of Nintendo's fighters watched them rage back and forth, flying through the battle, sky, and epic murder music. Yeah; Cloud was still pissed off that Sephiroth stole Aeris, and Sephiroth still held a paranoid hatred of Cloud that Aeris would go back. Aeris had never realized what an issue switching roommates would make.

Mark, genius that he was, sounded for their attention and gestured ahead. "The Sony army is still coming," he noted. "Kirby, copy Altair. Fox, bring your fighters into the air and go after aerial threats. Mewtwo and Lucario, charge a blast that will divide their army in half." Then the tactician drew a blade as he waited for them to follow his commands.

Kirby did copy Altair. Upon spitting him back out, Kirby got a white hood and a little hidden blade on his arm. Kirby thought it was the coolest he'd ever looked; everyone else thought he looked cute. Altair felt honored to be the target of Kirby's copy ability. He raised his hands to the heavens. "His great Lord Kirby has blessed me! Assassins, rise! Defend our Lord!" he prayed.

From the closet, every assassin in the creed was suddenly ripped to their senses. The door was snapped in half as they poured out to join their lord. Ezio, Desmond, Lucy, and every other assassin from the Creed games arrived to follow their master into battle. Pikachu inspected Kirby thoughtfully—perhaps he could create a secret sect in his dictatorship that would not only allow him to assassinate disbelievers, but prevent Kirby from forming a sect against him.

Meanwhile, Fox's small armada of him, Falco, Wolf, and Metaknight lifted off into the air as Mewtwo and Lucario finished charging their blast. "Fire," Mark ordered, and they did so. It shot off and forced the Sony army to split in half to avoid being disintegrated. Then Mark lifted his blade and charged off, not even bothering to made a war cry.

The first front stared at the tactician. "I thought you said he couldn't fight," DK said. "He's either crazy, brave, or… okay, it's definitely not stupid. Probably crazy."

Ike lifted his sword up. "Or he expects us to back him up and not sit here talking," he remarked, and ran forward after Mark. The first front erupted into a charge, battle cries resounding as they burst into action against the Sony army. They clashed, and the battle began.

Fox's armada arrived on the scene to find dozens of Dragon's from the Lair game flying at them. "Take them down," Fox ordered, and the armada split up. One Dragon flew at Fox's ship and the pilot dived down. As the dragon raced after him, Fox pulled a Crazy Ivan. He soared past the surprised dragon, letting a missile fly in its face as he flew to his next target.

On the ground, Kirby and his cult assassins were engaged with several of the Final Fantasy characters, using their hidden blades to maximum efficiency. A thud made them pause. The titans of Shadows of the Colossus had arrived. "My Lord!" Altair called. "Let me deal with this!"

The top assassin ran towards the towering giant, unafraid of death for devotion. He leapt onto his feet and flattened himself to avoid being swiped off. Then he began climbing up the colossus's leg, jumping to avoid being grabbed. Once he reached a good spot, Altair leapt onto the hand trying to grab at him and climbed up that, sticking his hidden blade into the creature's arm. It tried to grab at him again, and Altair revealed an Apple of Eden.

It made him invisible as he raced up to the head. There, Altair put poison on his blade and stabbed as hard as he could. The poison seeped into the colossus's body, and it collapsed to the ground, killed by the assassin. Altair got to his feet to see the others descending towards him. He raised his blade to charge at them when they vanished.

He looked over to see a very full Kirby grinning contently. Altair bowed down to him.

Elsewhere on the battlefield, Ike and Lyn were fighting the deadly Kratos, whose battle wrath was tearing through the Nintendo Lines. Behind him, Leon and Redfield were shooting down anyone who dared get back up. Lyn sheathed her sword and build power as Kratos charged. Ike flew up into the air and came down on Kratos with Aether. The God of War blocked it, only to leave himself open for Lyn's dash.

Behind him, Leon and Redfield took cover as Ganondorf blasted at them with magic. They stood up and began firing, only for their shots to be blocked by Ganondorf's magic. Then DK seized them from behind and smacked their heads together. Afterward he broke all of their limbs and tossed them aside. "Who else stole my bananas?" the ape roared.

"He did," Ganondorf lied, pointing at Ratchet. The techie looked up to see a howling mad super ape coming at him. He did the smart thing and put Nathan Drake between them. Nathan Drake looked up to see a fist. Then he saw nothing.

Kratos laughter his sadism as he slashed at a vulnerable Lyn. Ike leapt in front of her to take the blow. Both of them were knocked aside, Ike with a dangerous cut. Lyn glared and drew the Sol Katti, intent on killing Kratos herself. She was stopped by a hand on her shoulder. Lyn looked behind her to see Palutena.

"Please, allow me to finish this," Palutena offered. "I have unfinished business with this fool." Kratos's eyes widened as he saw Palutena come at him with her spear staff. The demigod remembered his last encounters with her and took off screaming.

Lyn took a stance as Dollface arrived to finish off Ike. Roy and a bruised Mark took stances next to her to lend a hand. Ike forced himself to his feet and readied for another round.

X

As the first front fought the Sony army, the second smaller front was struggling against the two near omnipotent Hands. The two Hands had smothered the Smashers together the last time they had fought, and it was only due to Mark's planning they had a chance this time.

The genius had discovered a way to combine special attacks together. It had come to him and he'd figured it out in all of about five minutes while planning their attack against the virus. Already, one pair had proved its usefulness in doing so.

Marth and Popo, fast friends over a shared secret as well as frat brotherhood, had performed the first combo attack. Popo had summoned the glacier that he always did during Final Smashes, towering over the Hands. Marth had then used his Final Smash on the glacier itself, hitting it at just the right angle. It shattered into a million sharp pieces which had then zipped into the Hands with painful results.

But, the problem with combining attacks was that it completely exhausted the ones involved. After they had done so, Marth and Popo had barely been able to fight back. Now it was practically down to six, but that single combined attack had done enough damage to weaken the Hands considerably.

Mario leaned out of Master Hand as he rocketed by, and Peach threw a vegetable on him. Both Hands began to combine to form a super attack of their own. Mario and Peach refused to let them. "Back up!" he shouted to the other four. Samus yanked Link back with the grapple beam as Isaac constructed a wall of stone.

The top Smasher put his hands together and fired his Final Smash. He aimed at the sky. Crazy Hand paused to wonder what on earth Mario was doing when Peach acted. Taking her umbrella, she stood next to Mario and began to spin her umbrella. The fire gained a tinge of pink as it spun around with the umbrella.

Mario fueled more fire and Peach spun her umbrella faster. The spinning twisting flames grew in intensity until they had formed a raging tornado of flaming death. Crazy Hand looked at her sibling. "Screw Mark," she stated. Mario and Peach then heaved and flung the tornado in the Hands' direction. They attempted to fly away from it, but its lethal suction ripped them in.

Fire raged and licked at the hands, dropping them to the ground before the tornado inverted on itself and put the last of its strength into a fiery smash. The Hands rose, a bit slower than before, but still able to fight. However, now Mario and Peach were out of the fight as well. Link urged both them and Marth and Popo to help the others.

Isaac and Link dodged attacks and found themselves back to back. "So did you know?" Isaac asked, a little curious. Was Link the reason Zelda had asked for it to be secret.

"I end up saving her every week from Ganondorf. It was obvious from my end," Link answered, firing an arrow at Master Hand. Isaac followed up with a blow from Ragnarok. "Maybe it's because of Ganondorf."

"Makes sense," Isaac agreed. They ducked beneath giant bullets.

"One last thing," Link warned. "Zelda's as much as my sister as Toon Link is my brother. Mess with her, and Ganondorf will pity you." Then he leapt at the Hands, Master Sword blazing.

Isaac watched him fight for a sec. "That's just great to hear in a fight. Let's pay attention now," Isaac remarked sarcastically. He exchanged glances with Zelda, and she nodded. It was time for their combined attack now. Isaac struck out at the Hands with his Djinni, waiting until four of them were ready.

Once they were, Isaac lifted his sword up into the air and summoned. The bringer of Judgment descended and unleashed his power. The wave of annihilation began to sweep towards the Hands. Zelda drew her light bow and waited for the wave to pass her by. Once it had, Zelda took aim and fired. The Light Arrow zipped forward with the speed of light.

The arrow did not pass up the Judgment wave, though. Instead, it drove force behind it. The giant wave became a spear-headed point of death, aimed for a single target. Master Hand didn't even have time to check his glove before he was struck by the concentrated force. Unable to go any further, the Hand dropped to the earth, unable to continue on.

Zelda and Isaac were out of the fight, but they had taken down one of the Hands. Only Crazy Hand was left. Angry, the female Hand swung at Link and Samus. The two jumped out of the way. Crazy Hand had to be as weak as Master Hand had about now. Their combined attack should be enough to finish off the last Hand.

Samus pointed her cannon at Crazy Hand, and Link put his Triforce Hand on her cannon. The beam started to charge… only for Crazy Hand to shoot a laser at Samus.

It pierced through Samus's armor and struck her shoulder, jerking Samus to her side and stopping the combined attack from starting. The bounty hunter grunted painfully as she hit the ground. Her armor was blaring warnings at her that her suit was compromised. Her injured arm thankfully wasn't her cannon, but it still hurt. Real panic showed when the suit warned her that a majority of her shoulder tendons had been damaged.

Link dropped to a knee next to Samus, fear all over his face. He took her helmet off and held her head under his arm. "Samus," he muttered.

She grunted again and looked up at him. "What?" Samus muttered, attempting to shrug off her own fear. She wasn't in favor of losing her arm.

"Did you really think that would work?" Crazy Hand asked, floating above them. The Hand appeared to be mocking Samus's condition. "Did you think I would just sit there and allow you to hit me? I am part of That Which Is One! We cannot fail!"

Samus felt the hand holding her head tighten. She frowned and looked at Link. Something dangerous was showing on his face. What was he about to do? He couldn't take on Crazy Hand alone. "Link," she warned.

Link stood up, hand tightening on the hilt of the Master Sword. "Sorry Samus," he muttered. She glared at him to stop being stupid. "This is my fault for holding back."

The Triforce on his hand began to glow.

On the other side of the battlefield, Toon Link's hand lit up as well. He didn't know exactly what was going on, but he understood enough. He lifted up the Master Sword just as Link did, and they vanished into light. Link appeared out of the light he'd vanished into.

Crazy Hand shrugged. "So you absorbed the rest of your soul. You can't stop me, even with a complete piece of the Triforce. I am That Which Is One."

"I'm not done," Link argued. The Triforce still blazing on his hand, objects he had collected before appeared around him. Crazy Hand startled in surprise as Link reached for the Fused Shadow. Shadow magic began to swirl around him as well as the Triforce now.

Then he reached for the Fierce Deity mask. Link became covered within light. Samus watched, partially awed, as the Fierce Deity Link emerged from the light, swinging his massive curved sword. The power of the Fused Shadow from before still was apparent, currently in the shape of black wings. But still, Link wasn't done.

Crazy Hand started to feel fear as Deity Link, aided by Fused Shadows and the Triforce, put the Majora's Mask on. Link had purged it of evil long ago in another life, and now it was his willing ally. The amount of power he was putting out spiked. But then the Hand paled. One more object waited to be drawn, and the Hero reached for it.

The Four Sword.

In a blaze of light—there were quite a few of those now—Crazy Hand found herself against four Links, each with power being granted from the Triforce of Courage, Fused Shadows, Master Sword, Fierce Deity Mask, Majora's Mask, and the Four Sword. The four Links, differentiated by a color on the shoulder of their white tunics, glared at Crazy Hand from behind their Majora's Masks. A third blade had been added to their curved ones to represent the Four Sword.

Crazy Hand did the only thing she could against the power arrayed against her. "This is so unfair," she grumbled. "Isn't this Mary Sueing or something?"

The Links burst into action. Two of them raced at Crazy Hand while two flew back to assist against the Sony army. The two against Crazy brought their swords down as the Hand attempted to fight with a power punch. The punch was stopped effortlessly and the second Link slammed Crazy into the earth. Crazy attacked with the same lasers that had injured Samus. Both Links used their Triforce pieces, combined with Fused Shadows, to neutralize their attack. Their Majora's Masks then sent a wave of power back at the Hand.

Samus watched as Link put all of his power out on the line, using it to dissemble Crazy Hand. Now she understood what he meant by holding back. Whenever Link had fought before, he'd only used the items he'd gathered in one life. Link had had several lives, and he could call on all of them when he wanted to. She suspected he didn't do that very often.

It also explained why on earth she could never beat him to get second seat when it mattered. That pissed her off.

Groaning with the pain, the bounty hunter got to her feet. Behind her, the third and fourth Link were decimating the Sony army and leaving them as scraps. They returned to battle Crazy Hand—which the Hand started complaining about as well—while Samus charged her cannon with her good arm. It was difficult to aim with her other arm to steady the cannon, but it would have to do.

Once it was charged, Samus called out to Link. They looked down to see Samus ready. One Link flew down to her side, removing his Majora's Mask so that their eyes could meet. Samus knew one thing; that was the 'original' Link that had come down to her. He placed his Triforce hand on her cannon to help steady her.

Crazy saw the overkill coming and tried to flee, but the other three Links jammed their swords into her and locked her in place. Samus and Link fired, just as Link released the Four Sword. His clones disappeared as they fired. The beam, shaped in the form of the Triforce with the three parts spiraling together, slammed into Crazy and exploded.

They watched as the Hand dropped, overcome from the sheer power of their attack. Samus felt her energy leave her and steadied herself against a rock. She looked over at Link, who was removing the Fierce Deity Mask, Majora's Mask, and Fused Shadows from himself as well.

The Smashers gathered to their position under Mark's commands as Link's soul split itself. Toon Link appeared again, drawn in light. The nine year old thought hard, and then complained. "Dang it! I don't remember what we—or I, I guess—I don't remember anything! What happened?"

Ganondorf grunted and gestured to the dead battlefield around the mansion; it was strewn with the mess left by Link's rampage. Ganondorf was glad Link never felt the need to do that to him. Roy was beside himself with how long it would take to grow everything back. Toon Link cheered as he saw the destruction he'd caused.

Samus turned to Link to see what he remembered—only to find the hero completely passed out. Using that much had dropped him faster than Sonic running away from Amy.

Mark walked out past all of them, unperturbed by the mess. He had predicted it with mathematical probability. He stopped at the Hands. Their beating had literally destroyed the virus in them. Master Hand got up slowly, holding himself. "Ugh, my head," he groaned. Master Hand wished there had been a less violent way to return him to his senses. "Crazy, are you all right?"

Crazy Hand sat up, even more slowly than Master Hand. She looked at her brother for a long time, and then said a single word. "Yellow?" she asked.

"Dang it!" Master Hand whined. "I was hoping you'd still be sane, but Link must have hit you way too hard. Where is that fool?"

"Passed out from exhaustion," Samus answered.

"Oh. Well, what now?" Master Hand asked.

Mark, of course, had an answer. He laid out the simplest plan of them all to the Hands. "Use your power," Mark explained. "You can generate enough heat to destroy the asteroid and the virus it houses."

"I can't," Master Hand replied. Everyone caught their breath. "I just got beaten into a pulp. I don't have the strength to summon enough energy. And Crazy… well, I just wish she was sane again."

Crazy looked over at Master Hand. "Poop?" she asked, expression lighting up.

"NO!" everyone screamed, remembering the hydra. Crazy Hand pouted and sat down and began drawing in the mud.

Their tactician sighed. He had expected this, but the probability had been in his favor… Mark began to think. "Then we need a object with enough heat and energy to scourge the virus," Mark muttered aloud. He folded his arms and thought, unafraid or pressured of the asteroid close to descending on the mansion. Finally, his head shot up with the only emotion anyone had seen on his face; it was that of realization of an idea. "Goddess Palutena, it's your birthday today."

"It is," Palutena agreed, feeling a little resentful on the matter. She wished she were a million years younger. Then she frowned. Usually her loving little captain had assaulted her with presents by now. Where was he? The Smashers looked around, and it was Mewtwo who stared in the right direction.

"Palutena!" Pit called, waving happily. "Look what I made you!" Behind him, floating in the air, was Palutena's birthday cake.

Everyone stared at the confection. It was _**freaking huge**_, with enough mass that even Kirby couldn't eat it in one bite. Pit had also succeeded in collecting all of the candles he'd needed. As a result _**Fourteen Million**_ candles adorned the cake. They jutted out in every single direction, giving the appearance that it was actually a giant fiery ball of death. In fact, the only reason the Smashers knew there was even a cake inside the fire was that they knew Pit wouldn't get Palutena a fiery ball of death for her birthday.

"I think I burned it a little in the oven," Pit admitted a little guiltily. Wolf snorted. If it hadn't been burned before, it definitely was now. Come to think of it, where had Pit gotten an oven that freaking big? Why was the cake even floating?

Mark appraised the cake, and acknowledged that there was enough heat and energy within the candles alone to do the job. Palutena approached Pit. "Pit, you know what would make me really happy?" Palutena asked him. Pit's eyes bulged with excitement and his head bobbed as he nodded. She leaned towards him and whispered in his ear.

Without a second's hesitation, Pit flung the cake at the asteroid. The asteroid was getting closer to the mansion when it was abruptly hit by the giant blazing birthday cake. The heat acted as Mark predicted, scourging the virus in the asteroid with a painful screeching noise. Then the asteroid exploded, disintegrating in the atmosphere.

It was a sight of awe for most of the Smashers. Around them, those that had been infected by the virus were freed from its clutches. The day was saved, and the Smashers were grateful. For some of them, however… "Did we seriously just save the day with a cake?" Master Hand asked.

Fox shrugged. "For once, I'm not going to question it."

However, it wasn't quite over. After the assassins had leapt from the closet to follow Lord Kirby, they had left the door smashed open. And later, Mewtwo had been too busy fighting to keep good control on all the reporters.

The Smashers fell all over themselves as a reporter came out towards them. Master and Crazy Hand made a cross at the reporter as she got closer. "So Smashers," she started, a camera in her hands. "What do you have to say about the condition of the Mansion, the missing asteroid, why I was locked in a closet, and—"

Captain Falcon landed in front of the reporter, struck a pose, and shouted, "Falcon!"

Every one of the Smashers sighed. Then they gaped at what happened next.

The reporter squealed in excitement and jumped into Falcon's arms, forgetting her devious interview. A big grin on Falcon's face, they watched as he kicked open the door to his room and then shut it behind them.

…

…

"Captain Falcon has fans?" Mark asked, blown sideways.

"There's going to be an epilogue, right?" Master Hand shouted out at the author's computer. "There better be! Because there's no way I'm about to end this story with Falcon getting laid."

No, neither would I. But the chapter, yes.

"I'm going to clog your toilet."


	10. Epilogue: We Couldn't End Like That

Epilogue: We Couldn't End Like That

Fox and DK stood inside a window that looked out at the backyard of the Mansion. They had to give Roy some credit. It had only been about an hour and a half after they had defeated the virus and sent the Sony and Microsoft characters home. Yet the green thumbed swordsman had managed to plant new grass all around the mansion. He was outside right now, working on his beloved courtyard.

Outside the window, Pit and the kids were playing fighter jet as Palutena watched, happy her captain was all right. "So," Fox noted to DK. "He finally finds out the truth of everything, and nothing happens. Pit doesn't lose it, he doesn't combust, and his innocence isn't corrupted and defiled."

"Not to mention Palutena didn't kill us," DK added.

"I was getting to that," Fox insisted. "I just didn't want to mention it first. She is a goddess; she could be listening for all we know."

DK nodded his agreement and shifted his weight. They watched the kids for a moment longer, and then turned away from the window, heading back towards the inside of the mansion. "Did you hear Master Hand is going to hire on Mark?" DK asked Fox.

"Yeah. How about we go get some ice cream before congratulating him? Chunky Monkey?"

"YES! BANANA FLAVOR!" DK cheered. They left the room and the view from the window.

However, because they were no longer looking out the window, they missed a few things. They missed Pit taking Palutena and dipping her backwards before meeting her firmly in a kiss, Palutena returning the kiss with vigor, and the two of them ascending back to Skyworld for some privacy.

The kids didn't miss it, though; they ran around screaming about cooties. Except for Popo. He was wondering which one he'd found more enticing at that moment.

X

Elsewhere in the mansion, debate was raging between Altair on the phone with his descendant Desmond. The assassins had decided that in order to better serve Lord Kirby, they had to be in close proximity to him. So while Altair stayed by Kirby's side, the others worked on freeing themselves from Ubisoft to join Nintendo.

There was mixed results to the news. On the one hand, they were glad to be adding the franchise to Nintendo, if under dubious terms. However, there was no way they would be able to stick Kirby back in therapy since the assassins would rescue their liege. Master Hand had found a solution though. He had noted how so many things in the mansion weren't worth Kirby's time. Altair promptly then began 'protecting Kirby' from eating 'unworthy' objects. It saved a lot on the Mansion's bill.

"I don't care what it takes, we must support Lord Kirby," Altair argued. "Just kill the Ubisoft CEO. He was nice, but Lord Kirby is above him."

"Fine," Desmond relented. "I just thought it would be easier to take him to worship Lord Kirby as well."

Altair hung up—he was starting to enjoy cell phones—and turned back to his liege. He turned in time to see Kirby's eyes rolling back as a flashback occurred. To Altair, he had come to know this as the State of Enlightenment. Altair began to bow as Kirby whipped out his rock.

However, instead, Kirby thrust the rock in Altair's face. "My Lord?" Altair asked, confused.

"Get rid of it," Kirby demanded. "It doesn't put out anymore." The puffball was surprising calm for being in a flashback, and for a second Altair wondered if Kirby knew what he was doing. He quickly corrected himself. Of course Lord Kirby knew what was happening. Altair bowed in reverence, and used his hidden blade to strike at the rock until it broke. Meanwhile, Kirby was eyeing the tree Roy was planting out front… it looked tasty…

X

There was a knock on Mario's office door, and Samus walked in. Mario gestured her over. "You're-a my friend Samus; no-a need," Mario assured. Samus sat down across from the plumber as he continued filling out forms for something. "What do you-a need? I thought-a Link was still-a passed out."

"You've known Link longer," Samus said. "Did you always know he could do that?"

"Yes," Mario admitted. "Granted, some of his-a powers were-a new, but I knew."

"But you've never said anything. _He _never said anything," Samus continued. "Why not tell me? I thought he trusted me. It's not like I was going to leave him because he had Mary Sue like power."

Mario nodded and put down his pen for a moment. "Link was afraid," Mario explained. "He knew that you always worked-a hard to-a beat him one-a day and be the second seat-a. But if he always-a used his full potential, he was afraid you might get-a upset and-a angry. That, and it would-a destroy the plot a lot. But-a mostly, he was worried you would-a not be-a handle being so-a far beneath him."

"Oh?" Samus asked, and Mario had a feeling Link was in for it when he woke up. "Can't handle it? I show him _he's_ the one who can't handle it…" The angry bounty hunter stalked towards the door and paused. "Wait. He's only second seat. Does that mean you can beat him?"

"Heck-a no!" Mario protested. "Link would-a murder me! But he has never-a wanted first seat. He can do enough-a from second. Plus, he's-a terrible at-a paperwork. Whoopee! Done thirty seconds early!" Mario put aside the finished paperwork and rushed out the door. Samus had a bad feeling about where he was going. But right then, she had to go see Link about some business.

X

Mark found himself standing in a group of people. He supposed the correct term would be friends, but at the rate Marth was imbibing alcohol, it would soon become menace.

Lyn, Ike, Marth, Zelda, Isaac, and others were celebrating Mark's posting as the mansion security chief. Master Hand had figured anybody creepy and genius enough to do mathematical probabilities in their head could tell when security would be needed. Mark knew that was incorrect, but he had a degree in Criminal Justice, and the pay was hourly.

Marth put an arm around the tactician, and Mark ran probabilities to make sure Marth wasn't thinking about putting from the rough. "So Mark," Marth began. "Knowing that we have five people from Fire Emblem here, you have to agree that makes us the best, right?"

"Numbers have nothing to do with it," Mark assured him. Off to the side, Zelda had gotten a hold of Isaac's scarf and he was trying to get it back. She only giggled and wrapped it around both their necks. Mark's mental profile of both of them grew. He was snapped back to Marth.

"Man, who cares about numbers? The only numbers that matter are how many times you score in a party," Marth assured. "I mean, snap, even that don't matter. Numbers suck worse than Ike refusing to get his nails done with me. You know what, boy? We going to go get you a girl."

"That's not necessary," Mark asserted. "That you would attempt to school me in that way is pointless."

"B#^%! What you mean?" Marth asked. He leaned against the fridge for support. Lyn rested her head against Ike, waiting to hear Mark burn him. Mark might not be socially skilled, but he was good at pointing out hypocrisy.

"You don't have a girl. You float around and 'score,' as you termed," Mark explained. Ike grunted, his version of a laugh. Mark one, Marth zero.

Marth shrugged. "Okay, you right," he agreed, flipping his hand at Mark. "But that just makes me free. And no girl can keep up with this hair." Marth pointed at his hair for emphasis. The women in the room had to agree; Marth kept great care of his hair. The guys just thought it sounded gay. Marth went on. "Tell you what, when you get a girl, I settle down, too."

"I already have a girlfriend," Mark replied.

Lyn and Ike froze. Isaac and Zelda looked over. Pikachu dropped the pencil he was using to outline his next domination plan. Marth's jaw dropped. ROB's plating fell open. A nearby jock combusted.

"Say what?" Marth shouted. "_He's_ got one and I don't? Son of a b$%!"

Mark two, Marth zero.

X

Link woke up and opened his eyes, feeling like he'd been punched in the head. After feeling around, he learned he was lying in bed. He frowned when he realized that his vision was still black. A blindfold was tied over his eyes; it was also tight, explaining his headache. He went to remove it.

"Don't even think about it," Samus warned.

The hero's fear level rose. He'd been expecting this after the Mary Sue he'd pulled. Samus wasn't the type to take something without doing something about it. Briefly he considered stabbing himself and smearing the blood to save himself more pain.

"Seriously, Link," Samus continued. "You thought I would be upset about you being insanely strong? You thought I couldn't handle it?"

Crap, he'd guessed wrong. Maybe he should cut his heart out while he was at it before she killed him in a fit of rage. When Samus got angry, Samus got angry. There was a reason they were afraid of her in the first Smash.

Tentatively Link sat up, swinging his feet over the sides. He heard strumming. Odd; he didn't recall strumming a second ago. "Next time, think about what you're saying in your head," Samus warned. "I can handle anything you throw at me. It's you who loses track of everything."

"That's not true," Link defended. In hindsight, he should have just nodded.

"Really? What about when someone hid your hat."

"…Okay," Link admitted.

"I just want you to trust me," Samus finished. There was silence for a while as Link's headache continued due to the blindfold. The strumming was the only noise. "You know," Samus started up again. "I never knew you played guitar. Or horns. Or woodwinds. Or drums. Or strings. You really need to clean out your closet."

So that was his Zora guitar Samus had? Link didn't know she played either. Come to think of it, he had lost that. And why was Samus going through his closet? The strumming stopped as Link pulled the blindfold off.

Samus was sitting across from Link in a chair. She had a seductive smirk on her face and was setting the guitar aside. But then something really caught Link's eye.

Samus was wearing one of Link's spare tunics. He had never expected his own tunic would look so good. The bounty hunter stood up and walked the small distance to Link, putting extra swing in her step. But Link was too busy with another detail.

She was wearing _only_ his tunic.

Link had no idea what happened next, but he knew what happened afterward. Samus still a smirk half an hour later. Who couldn't handle what now?

X

A/N: Well, on that tantalizing note, I should inform you of something. First, there are semi-plans for a third story. They involve Congress, how Pikachu became world dictator, and still more cracks. BUT, I will not be writing it during October and November. In November I will be focusing on NaNoWriMo, and in October I have a pre NaNoWriMo bet going. So I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait until December. I might throw out some one-shots now and then to keep creative juice flowing at all times, but for now, yellow.


End file.
